Counselling Services in Vaughan · York Region Therapy

Psychologist Guidelines for Constructive Discussions About the Affair

Part of the work I do as a Psychologist is to help people understand how to communicate better when they are going through a difficult situation. I have prepared guidelines on how to communicate when speaking about the affair.

Recognize when feelings are becoming deregulated. When our feelings begin to become overwhelmed, we can make situations more difficult, which often leads to unproductive dialogue. Some symptoms which may signal when a time out is needed, include:

• Your speech is increasingly getting louder
• You’re having thoughts that may be unhelpful (catastrophizing situations or mind reading).
• You’re destructing property (throwing items)
• You no longer can listen effectively to what your partner is trying to communicate.
• You’re cursing or using harmful words
• Your muscles are becoming increasingly intense

Consider recognizing your feelings and expressing them to your partner without blame.

Both partners have the right to call a time out – exercise this option when you know that the conversation is getting ‘out of hand.’

Speak to your partner about what will happen next when a discussion becomes unhealthy:

• Who will call the time out? Who will leave the room?
• How long will the time out be?
• When will you two meet back to re-engage in the discussion.

Use a time out to think clearly and ease your running thoughts:

• Use a relaxation technique (ask your therapist)
• Exercise
• Go for a walk (let your partner know when you’ll be back)
• Journal or write a letter. Take your phone out or a pen and paper out and start writing how you feel about the situation.
• Organize your thoughts so they become less overwhelming
• Decide how you will interact with your partner, when they come back.

During a time out, refrain from:

• Replaying the argument in your head over and over again.
• Blaming your partner
• Doing things that could be hurtful (drinking, drugs).

After the time out is over, try speaking about the issue again. If you feel that the discussion is continuing to get heated, take another time out and consider another time to discuss it again (e.g. next day). 

If you require assistance, please feel free to call us and will help you as best as we can. Counselling Services for York Region is here to help! 416-999-3437 - This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

Holzworth-Monroe, A., Marshall, A.D., Meehan, J.C., & Rehman, U. (2003). Physical aggression. In D.K Snyder & M.A Whisman (Eds.) Treating difficult couples: Helping clients with coexisting mental and relationship disorders (pp 201-230). New York: Guilford Press. 

My counselling program focused on infidelity is all about healing. The program is intended to help couples by providing a roadmap to recovery. Couples counselling/marriage counselling focused on infidelity will provide couples with principles to consider over treatment and specific interventions to help manage the difficulties they may be experiencing.


Treatment unfolds in three stages:

1. Helping couples manage with the immediate crisis of the affair (when it has become discovered and acknowledged)
2. Helping understand the variables (or reasons) that may have to contributed to a partner’s decision to have an affair.
3. Helping couples move ahead with acceptance and ultimately forgiveness (forgiveness is always a choice).

I just found out that my partner has been having an affair. What do I do now? 

When someone comes to understand that their partner has betrayed them, it can be pretty devastating. The process of finding out that someone you love has hurt you can bring a whirlwind of emotions that can certainly bring instability and uncomfortable feelings. I have long worked with people who struggle with coming to understand that their partner has been unfaithful. Part of the work I do is to help people manage those difficult emotions and help them pick up the pieces so they can continue to function despite this trauma that has happened in their relationship. I help each patient, along with their partner, work on developing a plan to manage the crisis. This may mean choosing a few people they trust to confide in to get support as they navigate through this difficult time. I do prioritize patients who are in the crisis stage to help them manage the difficult conversations and emotions that they may experience during this time. I also help facilitate difficult conversations so that escalated conflict is minimized. The goal for therapy at this point is to help manage difficult emotions, figure out what the goal is for therapy, and stabilize the relationship.

Grounding yourself during this difficult time could be particularly important. This may mean finding activities to separate yourself from the situation and decompressing without ruminating about the details of the affair. This may mean watching a comedy, engaging in a workout, or even talking to a friend about other things beyond what has happened in your relationship. Scheduling time to talk about the situation is also important. There are guidelines on how to speak about the affair with your partner, but considering engaging in open dialogue about the event, it may be best to do so when you are regulated and willing to listen. It won't be easy to hear, but if you are able to have these conversations with me or another therapist, it could help both of you during this difficult time. Practicing self-care, eating, showering and managing your responsibilities is also necessary for healing.


Can a couple survive infidelity? 

Yes, most people who attend counselling have a greater chance of surviving the trauma of a betrayal. About 95% of my couples continue to have successful relationships after an affair. Of course, every situation is different, but counselling is a great start to help build a better foundation for your relationship. Counselling will also help expedite healing to get your life back to normal.

One of the many objectives of counselling is to involve the client in obtaining awareness of behaviours that may be limiting or disabling their health. With the use of research-supported techniques, a therapist will help by enabling the client to initiate and develop new and appropriate strategies for managing with their present difficulties.

We recognize that counselling with older people is quite different than that of other age groups. Our counselling program specific to our geriatric clients is designed to ensure that our client’s feel comfortable attending session. Our therapists are trained to ensure that our clients receive adequate health care service with all of their needs taken into consideration.

If you experience difficulties that you believe may impair your ability (i.e. hearing difficulties or vision difficulties) to receive service, please let us know and will try our best to make every accommodation we can to provide the care you need to be healthy.

Here are some examples of concerns that some of our clients attend counselling for:

• The Aging Body (i.e. sensory impairment, mobility and falls)
• Life Course Changes
• Multicultural Acceptance – Ethnic Diversity in Multicultural Families
• Promoting Health and Wellbeing Later in Life
• The Aging Mind (i.e., cognitive changes)
• Personal Growth and Development
• Emotions and Aging
• Depression
• Dementia
• Self Identity Issues
• Ageism
• Elder Abuse
• Spirituality and Death/Bereavement
• Grandparenthood
• Sibling Ties
• Changing Family Relationships
• Gay and Lesbian Relations