Counselling Services in Vaughan · York Region Therapy

Every person has their own opinion. The individual self not only holds an opinion, but that opinion is influenced by values, intergenerational beliefs, past learning, and personality quirks. Most marriages will come to a point where conflict needs to be resolved. Happy marriages have conflict- it’s not to conflict with someone. There are varying degrees of conflict in a relationship; some can be small in nature, and others can be overwhelming and intense. There are generally two types of conflicts that we explore in session: problems that happen repeatedly and those that can be resolved.

Problems that Happen Over and Over Again:

I like to believe that if you are arguing over the same issue over and over again, then negative emotions will continue to build around the topic/issue. Sometimes these problems are managed in different ways by couples. Some joke, ignore, rationalize, or even placate to just move past it. However, this doesn’t always work, and it only further contributes to the stress that is put on the relationship and could stunt its growth and maturity. Coping is undoubtedly part of managing with perpetual problems and we want to help couples cope with and not ignore perpetual problems. This means making a decision about perpetual problems or at least coming to terms that perhaps it’s unsolvable, and acceptance may have to come in doing so. Choosing coping in a healthy way is what we work on in counselling. I like what is stated in the text The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by Jon Gottman, “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are the ones you can cope with.”

When no headway can be made, and a couple continues to have the same argument over and over again, it could hinder the foundation of the relationship and could potentially influence the relationship to become unstable. Feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration may brew and further push the couple apart. Understanding when this happens can help a couple better understand that help is needed. Some of the symptoms include (just to name a few): you feel rejected by your partner when you are unable to solve the conflict, you get nowhere with your exchanges about the topic, no one is willing to budge when you talk about the subject you both feel more upset and hurt.

How Can I Help?

The good news is that you have all you need to help solve a problem: motivation and willingness. Some of the skills taught in my program include the importance of monitoring your tone (your tone will ultimately determine how the conversation will go), practicing repair attempts when conversations derail, monitoring how you feel so you know when you are getting tense and overarouse from the conversation, learning to compromise, and lastly, accepting a lack of skills and imperfections.

If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I provide psychological counselling and psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.

Dealing with Flashbacks of the Affair Contents

There are many ways to manage flashbacks when they come. They, at times, maybe overwhelming and triggering. The flashbacks sometimes bring on uncomfortable feelings, which may take you away from your day. Here are some suggestions that I have for managing with flashbacks of the affair:

1. I don’t believe ignoring the flashbacks is the best way to manage them. Part of managing with the flashback may be just allowing the thoughts to be there and redirecting yourself to do what you intended to do in that moment. In other words, take a more mindful approach to what you are doing throughout the day. Ignoring is not the same thing as allowing thoughts to pass and continue. Ignoring and suppressing the thoughts will only bring up the thoughts more. You’ll continue to see the thoughts as a threat if they are ignored or suppressed, and this may increase the intrusiveness of the flashback imagery or thoughts.
2. Let some trusted people who know of the affair know that you are having a flashback. Perhaps you can ask your partner or your support network for support during this time. Voicing the flashback may reduce its intensity.
3. Consider choosing activities to help minimize the duration and intensity of the flashback. Remember the flashbacks won’t stay forever, eventually you will return to your normal baseline. Until then, we will need activities to help you stay grounded. Finding a good comedy show (perhaps something you have seen before) could be very helpful. Playing video games that require a cognitive element have also been demonstrated to be helpful.

If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I provide counselling and psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.

There are many ways that people choose to continue when they come to discover that their partner has had an affair. Some people decide to separate until they are less angry and can engage. Others increase their passion and attempt to become closer because they believe the affair threatens the relationship and want to keep it intact. Another way that people cope with affairs is by ignoring the affair that even happened and going back to their everyday lives. What I recommend people do during these times is:

1. Don’t do anything that will make the situation worse. Focus on setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries need to be set with your partner, the person involved in the affair, and the people who may now know about the affair. Setting healthier boundaries with your partner is essential for recovery. There will be many conversations about the affair, but if they become too heated, it is likely best to step away and let things cool before continuing the discussion. I do want to say that talking about the affair is essential. It’s the only way for your partner to fully understand what happened and how the affair has come about. Many people are afraid to share information because they fear the unknown, how their partner will react, and what difficulties will come in the long run.
2. Consider speaking about what happened. This may mean asking how the affair began, how long it lasted, and if it has ended. Some people may need to know information about the affair partner, including how it came to be and how it led to an affair. This could help your partner understand the affair partner’s role in initiating or maintaining the affair.
3. Provide insight into how much of a threat this is for your partner. Will their social circle become aware of the affair, and will they lose friendships? Helping them understand how the affair will affect their life outside of the relationship between you two is particularly important.
4. Do you need to consider getting tested for an STD?
5. Avoid discussing the details that don’t need to be addressed, such as specific sexual acts.
6. Do not look for conclusive answers as to why they choose to have the affair. Most people don’t know why they had the affair. Commonly, most people attend counselling attempting to figure it out. Pushing for answers such as this may influence the person to give an incomplete or inaccurate explanation.
7. Avoid spending time asking the same question over and over again.
8. Try not to make a rash decision about the relationship's current status. It is best to make decisions about divorce and separation when you are in a much better place to do so, and that may come much later on.
9. Focus on re-establishing a sense of security in the relationship. Separating may make this more difficult, especially if you have children. However, separating may be a consideration if you are certain of your decision to pursue a divorce when discussions about the affair are becoming toxic and separating for now may be the only option to allow you two to process what has happened and when physical abuse and aggression are involved.
10. Consider the possibility of making it work despite what has happened. Discuss what that would look like and how each of you can prepare to commit to working through this. This could include discussions about how to keep the family tasks moving along (i.e., responsibilities and bills) or how we can continue nourishing the relationship as we did before (i.e., continuing small acts of kindness). Separation may erode the foundation of the relationship.
11. Continue to be thoughtful and considerate despite what has happened. You will have emotionally charged conversations to balance this out you need to continue to do things that will help create a moment for the two of you that breaks the tension. This could mean going out for ice cream and choosing not to chat about the affair- just be mindful. You can attend a theater event or a sporting event. It may feel awkward but making an effort will certainly make it easier to cope with the trauma.
12. Decide on how to handle intimate exchanges, including if small touches or sex are permissible. The best way to understand what your partner wants is to ask.

If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. They must practice psychological counselling or provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.

Reference:
Adapted from the text Getting Past the Affair by Douglas Snyder and Donald Baucom.