Every person has their own opinion. The individual self not only holds an opinion, but that opinion is influenced by values, intergenerational beliefs, past learning, and personality quirks. Most marriages will come to a point where conflict needs to be resolved. Happy marriages have conflict- it’s not to conflict with someone. There are varying degrees of conflict in a relationship; some can be small in nature, and others can be overwhelming and intense. There are generally two types of conflicts that we explore in session: problems that happen repeatedly and those that can be resolved.

Problems that Happen Over and Over Again:

I like to believe that if you are arguing over the same issue over and over again, then negative emotions will continue to build around the topic/issue. Sometimes these problems are managed in different ways by couples. Some joke, ignore, rationalize, or even placate to just move past it. However, this doesn’t always work, and it only further contributes to the stress that is put on the relationship and could stunt its growth and maturity. Coping is undoubtedly part of managing with perpetual problems and we want to help couples cope with and not ignore perpetual problems. This means making a decision about perpetual problems or at least coming to terms that perhaps it’s unsolvable, and acceptance may have to come in doing so. Choosing coping in a healthy way is what we work on in counselling. I like what is stated in the text The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by Jon Gottman, “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are the ones you can cope with.”

When no headway can be made, and a couple continues to have the same argument over and over again, it could hinder the foundation of the relationship and could potentially influence the relationship to become unstable. Feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration may brew and further push the couple apart. Understanding when this happens can help a couple better understand that help is needed. Some of the symptoms include (just to name a few): you feel rejected by your partner when you are unable to solve the conflict, you get nowhere with your exchanges about the topic, no one is willing to budge when you talk about the subject you both feel more upset and hurt.

How Can I Help?

The good news is that you have all you need to help solve a problem: motivation and willingness. Some of the skills taught in my program include the importance of monitoring your tone (your tone will ultimately determine how the conversation will go), practicing repair attempts when conversations derail, monitoring how you feel so you know when you are getting tense and overarouse from the conversation, learning to compromise, and lastly, accepting a lack of skills and imperfections.

If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I provide psychological counselling and psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.