Many individuals struggle with jealousy in their relationships. The feeling of jealousy is overwhelming, and it can influence your mood and your behaviours. Part of working with jealousy in session is helping the client understand that their thoughts around jealousy are really influenced by not being able to tolerate uncertainty. Examples of uncertainty that people struggle with in session include what would happen if their partner was unfaithful, left them, or wanted a divorce. At times, there are no reasons for the person to feel jealous, and they just feel jealous of their partner, which often interferes with their relationship.

What I help people understand when it comes to jealousy is that it is very much influenced by anxiety. I also try to educate patients that the jealousy is based on a subconscious story of what they believe would happen if their partner did leave, divorce them, or have an affair. When the person is triggered, the story plays. When the story plays, they become overwhelmed by the story, and they start to believe that the story is more likely and possible (in the OCD literature, we call this Thought Action Fusion). There can be clear indicators that their partner is faithful, but this is never processed because they are so consumed by the story. The story is scary and overwhelming, and it is based on what the person believes will happen if the bad situation does occur (their partner was unfaithful). Part of the problem is that the person doesn't believe that they can cope with the situation. We work together to figure out what the story is and how they would best want to cope with that situation if the bad situation were to occur.

I work with clients who experience difficulties with jealousy by using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in combination with Exposure and Response Prevention. I help educate them on the safety behaviours that they engage in (such as tracking their partner or questioning their partner) charge the scary story, but also maintain the anxiety. We work together to let go of unhealthy safety behaviours and accept that life is uncertain and that anything can happen even if they keep engaging in safety behaviours. I help introduce cognitive challenges to help them better understand how their thinking may be influenced by cognitive distortions that perpetuate negative thinking.


By Robert Roopa


If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I practice psychological counselling and provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.