For Those Afraid to Love Again
It's normal for many of us who are coming out of a breakup or divorce to feel apprehensive about beginning a new romantic relationship. I have worked with many couples who describe feeling anxious, worried, insecure, and unwanted.
Part of the work we do in counselling is helping you understand that feeling anxious is normal when you begin to date again. However, part of the problem is challenging some of the negative thoughts you may have about yourself and the dating world that may interfere with your desire to date again. Sometimes, this requires you to challenge the way you think about yourself and dating after a marriage or breakup.
Here are examples of common cognitive distortions for those who struggle with dating again:
All-or-Nothing Thinking
- Example: "If my first relationship failed, then every future relationship will fail too."
- Explanation: This type of thinking sees things in black and white, with no room for middle ground or exceptions. The person might feel that one past experience defines all future outcomes.
Many people struggle with All-or-Nothing Thinking. Especially when dating again. Part of the process is recognizing that a lot can happen, but you have the resources to deal with whatever comes (rejection or breakup). Not everything needs to be a budding romance- you may have to date a few bad apples before you find the right one.
Catastrophizing
- Example: "If I go on a date and it doesn’t work out, I’ll be alone. forever.
- Explanation: This involves expecting the worst possible outcome and imagining it will be unbearable. It blows the potential challenges of dating out of proportion.
Thinking about the worst-case scenario never helps. Your mind will always go to the worst-case scenario. Reminding yourself that your mind is going to this place and that you will go to this place is important. You can challenge your thinking or just let the thought be and be purposeful with carrying on with your day.
Overgeneralization
- Example: "I’ve been hurt in the past, so I'm always going to be hurt in the future."
- Explanation: Drawing broad, sweeping to conclusions based on a single event. One past failure might lead someone to believe that future experiences will always follow the same pattern.
Yes, you have been hurt, but it's time to move past that. You may get hurt, but guess what - you can deal with it.
Mind Reading
- Example: "I’m sure they’ll think I’m boring
- Explanation -Believing you know what others are thinking without any real evidence. This thought might stop someone from dating because they imagine that others will judge them negatively.
You need to stop mind reading. You do not have this power. I have worked with many people as a psychologist and I have yet to meet anyone that can read minds. It's time to take control of your life again and begin your dating journey again!
Why We Need Sleep - Issues with Winter Insomnia
I’ve come to understand the term winter insomnia when it was presented in a research study on bears a few years back. The term is not a clinical term, but it casually describes the sleep difficulties a person would experience during winter.
Some of the influences of winter insomnia include difficulties with the seasonal affective disorder (SAD) (Sandman et al. 2016), indoor thermal environment (Hou et al. 2024), physical (lack of energy, increased appetite) and emotional health difficulties (depressed mood and nightmares). Changes in the amount of light between seasons can influence insomnia symptoms.
Winter insomnia symptoms are more persistent and ongoing compared to those who struggle with occasional bouts of restless sleep. The symptoms usually last during the fall/winter seasons (Anderson et al. 1994). People who struggle with winter insomnia may have symptoms of seasonal affective disorder and report difficulties with getting to sleep, maintaining sleep quality, and with early morning awakenings.
There may be some overlap between winter insomnia and regular insomnia in terms of symptom presentation, but individuals who experience winter insomnia will only experience these insomnia difficulties when there is low light in the environment. Once daylight exposure has increased, symptoms will decrease, which is not the case for individuals who experience difficulties with insomnia.
If you struggle with insomnia and you have difficulties with SAD, the insomnia symptoms may become worse. There are treatment options for SAD that can be explored and have helped many who struggle with SAD symptoms.
I do believe that we can all be influenced by reduced daylight exposure in some way, and this may influence our sleep quality to some degree. But it’s more likely that with reduced daylight exposure we are more likely to want to sleep more than have difficulties getting to sleep (Hou et al 204). \
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I recommend that individuals who struggle with winter insomnia focus on making their sleeping arrangements as comfortable as possible. This may mean:
Invest in a Humidifier: Investing in a humidifier during dry periods of the winter can help significantly improve sleep quality. Reading the instructions and using the recommended water is also important. Most humidifiers do not tolerate tap water well.
Reduce Lighting: Reduce all ambient lighting in the room if possible. This could help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer.
Adjust the Temperature: Find a comfortable temperature to sleep in. If you are too hot or too cold, you are more likely to experience difficulties with interrupted sleep.
Eliminate Distractions: Do not engage in activities that will distract your attention from your intentions of falling asleep, this could be not using technology an hour or two before bedtime.
Evaluate Your Sleep Hygiene Practice: Making sure that you do not eat or drink so close to bed may be important for you to get a good sleep. Eliminating alcohol and caffeine before bed may also be helpful (you may even want to consider reducing your consumption considerably until you are able to improve on your sleep).
Take Walks Outside: Take walks outside as much as you are able to.
Sandman, N., Merikanto, I., Määttänen, H., Valli, K., Kronholm, E., Laatikainen, T., ... & Paunio, T. (2016). Winter is coming: nightmares and sleep problems during seasonal affective disorder. Journal of Sleep Research, 25(5), 612-619.
Hou, Y., Chen, W., Chen, S., Liu, X., Zhu, Y., Cui, X., & Cao, B. (2024). Associations between indoor thermal environment assessment, mental health, and insomnia in winter. Sustainable Cities and Society, 114, 105751
Anderson, J. L., Rosen, L. N., Mendelson, W. B., Jacobsen, F. M., Skwerer, R. G., Joseph-Vanderpool, J. R., ... & Rosenthal, N. E. (1994). Sleep in fall/winter seasonal affective disorder: effects of light and changing seasons. Journal of psychosomatic research, 38(4), 323-337.
How to Talk About Your Body Around Your Children
Taking a step back and reflecting on what you say and how you say it is particularly important. Making comments about weight and diet is likely to influence how others see you and understand you. This is particularly important for those who look up to you. They may internalize these comments, which could influence their future behaviour and thinking. This may begin with avoiding referring to certain foods and 'good' or 'bad.' Using terminology that is more neutral may be more appropriate, such as "occasional food" or "anytime food."
Comparing yourself to others may also be a problem. As you continue to compare yourself to others, your children may take notice. Controlling this behaviour may be important and may also help with reducing negative feelings, which could take a load off your day-to-day stress. There is no need to do this, and working on letting go of this behaviour could bring great changes for you and those around you.
Finding ways to empower yourself and your children is important for maintaining self-esteem. This could mean enrolling yourself and your children in extracurriculars and picking up hobbies. My work as a psychologist has helped many people discover the benefits of an engaging in an extra curricular as an adult
