News & Articles

Published: 12 February 2025

Part of the work done in counselling is to help couples understand how some of their perpetual problems are actually solvable. At times, when couples begin counselling, they feel like their partner is holding onto their position and not willing to budge. They may also think that their problem is unsolvable. Part of the work we do is to help them understand that most of their problems are solvable and that a few behavioural modifications are required to get them there.

This is done by examining how the couple interreact when they are engaging in discussions about the unsolvable issue. This may mean examining the tone of the conversation, how problems are solved, what repair attempts are made, if there are efforts to calm down and discuss, if compromises are made and if each person is willing to tolerate imperfection. Together, we examine each part of the conflict and approach situations by being aware of how we are engaging with the problem. If there are problematic behaviours, adjustments are made to facilitate growth and maturity. Both partners need to be willing to make changes for this to work.

Sometimes, there are issues that neither side can come to a resolution with (i.e., having another child). At times, it may require one person to grieve the loss of a dream or desire. Part of the counselling process is to learn to have a healthy dialogue about the unsolvable problem and work on proceeding past it.

Jon Gottman describes five steps when couples reach a ‘gridlock’ with a problem they cannot solve:

1. Understand the root issues
2. Focus on communicating as calmly as possible when discussing the topic
3. Figure out where you are able to be flexible and discuss your non-negotiables.
4. Focus on ending the conversation calmingly and express gratitude and appreciation for one another.


References:
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.


If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I practice psychological counselling and provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.

Published: 11 February 2025

I write this article to provide insight into how to manage the obsessiveness that comes with finding out your partner has had an affair. Part of the process of finding out about an affair is understanding how it may have come about. This discovery process can take months and can occupy much of your mind. Many people describe the thoughts and images that come about from the discovery as intrusive. Some of the thoughts and questions you may have about the affair may also feel intrusive and overwhelming. There are a few ways to manage with the intrusiveness:

1. One reason why the thoughts are intrusive is because the content of the thoughts are threatening. Once you are able to come to terms with the content of the thoughts, they become less intrusive. For instance, the thoughts may be intrusive because you believe that your partner is still not telling the whole truth and can’t be trusted. Therefore, part of the process of recovery is to accept the thoughts and to continue to build trust despite the intrusive nature of the thoughts. As you build trust in the relationship the thoughts will become less intrusive (whether you stay or go).

2. Ruminating may not completely help. If you choose to ruminate about the affair and try to answer some of these questions that have been already answered or you have no answer to, it may further contribute to the intrusiveness. You may have to separate yourself from engaging with the intrusive thought unless you believe it can be solved or figured out through thinking about it. You may have to consider that you may not ever get the answers you are looking for, but you can cope with whatever does come your way (i.e. if they cheat again, if you separate, if your partner wants to leave you for them). Part of learning to live with uncertainty is coming to understand that you can cope with anything that happens. Sometimes, talking to a friend you trust (who won’t tell anyone about the affair) can help you think through some of the questions and allow you to feel like you are not alone. They may also provide perspective on some of the questions you have that you think you can answer, but in reality, there is no answer to (i.e., will they cheat again?).

3. Part of the process of managing with the obsessiveness is to not engage in activities that will further perpetuate the intrusiveness. This means that you don’t do things that you believe are unhealthy for you to do (i.e., look up the person on the internet, ask about sexual acts and positions). Find healthier activities to engage in, like watching comedies or speaking to a friend. The thoughts WILL be there; you just have to continue on until you are completely able to either rebuild or make a decision on what you would like to do next.

4. You may have to take on an acceptance stance and learn to let some of the thoughts and images be there and continue on with your day. You can also focus on continuing to live a life based on the values that you believe in.

Robert Roopa

If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I practice psychological counselling and provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.

Published: 09 February 2025

Signs You May Be Developing Interest in Someone Outside of Your Relationship 

1. You meet this person in a place or situation where most people date or have sexual contact. Many people choose to rationalize this by convincing themselves and others that it's not serious, but significant investments are made during these times: emotional, financial, and physical.
2. There is a 'good' feeling that comes when they interact with the person.
3. There is a discussion of sexual topics that happens via text or in person. This may include discussions about sexual fantasies. 
4. You may be daydream about this person.
5. You hide your interactions with this person from your spouse or partner. 
6. You feel shame and guilt about your behaviour. These feelings usually come about when you are hiding something from your partner. This could include conversations, feelings, and contact. 
7. You spend more time talking with this person than your spouse
8. You have thoughts about this person throughout the day and may engage in masturbation thinking about this person. 

Peluso, P. R. (Ed.). (2007). Infidelity: A practitioner’s guide to working with couples in crisis. Routledge.

If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. They must practice psychological counselling or provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.