The Simple Mental Trick That Can Help You Resolve Relationship Conflicts
We've all been there: you're in the middle of yet another argument with your partner about the dishes, money, or whose turn it is to walk the dog. Your mind starts wandering to how great it would be if you could just resolve this once and for all. You imagine a peaceful evening together, no tension, problem solved. But somehow, despite all that positive thinking, nothing actually changes.
New research suggests there might be a better way to think about your relationship conflicts, one that could actually help you resolve them instead of just dreaming about resolution.
The Problem with Pure Positive Thinking
When we're dealing with relationship conflicts, our natural tendency is to indulge in what researchers call "positive fantasies." We imagine how wonderful things will be once the problem is solved, picturing ourselves and our partner happy and conflict-free. It feels good in the moment, but here's the catch: these rosy daydreams might actually make us less likely to take action.
Why? Because positive fantasies can create a false sense of accomplishment. Your brain gets a little hit of satisfaction from imagining the good outcome, which can make you feel like you've already done the work—even though you haven't actually addressed the underlying issue.
Enter "Mental Contrasting"
Researchers have identified a more effective approach called "mental contrasting." Instead of just fantasizing about the positive outcome, you follow a two-step process:
- First, imagine the desired future: Picture how great it would be to resolve your conflict—the relief, the closeness, the end of that nagging tension.
- Then, identify your main inner obstacle: What's really standing in your way? Maybe it's your anger, your pride, your fear of being vulnerable, or your tendency to shut down during difficult conversations.
This mental technique helps your brain create stronger connections between your desired outcome and the specific obstacle you need to overcome. When you encounter that obstacle in real life, you're more likely to remember your goal and take action toward it.
What the Research Found
In two studies involving over 540 people in romantic relationships, researchers tested whether mental contrasting actually works better than just positive thinking. Here's what they discovered:
For people in generally happy relationships: Mental contrasting helped them resolve conflicts they saw as both important and solvable. Over two weeks, these couples made more progress on their relationship issues compared to those who only engaged in positive fantasizing.
For people in less satisfied relationships: Mental contrasting didn't necessarily solve their conflicts (which tended to be more severe), but it did increase their mental engagement with the problems. They thought more deeply about their issues and were more motivated to work on them.
Why This Matters for Your Relationship
The research reveals something crucial: not all conflicts are created equal. Some are genuinely solvable with effort and good communication, while others might be more fundamental incompatibilities. Mental contrasting helps you engage more effectively with the conflicts worth fighting for, while potentially helping you recognize when to let go of impossible battles.
The technique works best when two conditions are met:
- The conflict matters to you: You genuinely care about resolving it
- You believe it's solvable: You have realistic hope that things can improve
How to Try It Yourself
Ready to give mental contrasting a shot? Here's how to apply it to your own relationship conflicts:
- Choose a specific ongoing conflict that's been bothering you and your partner.
- Spend a few minutes imagining the positive outcome. Really visualize how it would feel to have this issue resolved. What would your relationship look like? How would you both feel?
- Identify your main inner obstacle. Be honest: what's the biggest thing within yourself that's preventing resolution? Common obstacles include:
- Anger or resentment
- Fear of being hurt again
- Pride or stubbornness
- Anxiety about confrontation
- Tendency to avoid difficult conversations
- Connect the two: Recognize that overcoming your inner obstacle is necessary to reach your desired outcome.
- Take action: When you notice your obstacle arising, use it as a cue to move toward resolution rather than away from it.
The Bottom Line
Mental contrasting isn't magic, it won't solve deep seated relationship problems overnight. But it can be a valuable tool for helping you engage more effectively with conflicts that are worth your time and energy. Instead of getting lost in fantasies about a perfect relationship, you'll be better equipped to do the real work of building one.
The next time you find yourself daydreaming about relationship harmony, try adding that second step: identify what's really standing in your way. Your relationship might just thank you for it.
Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(2), 367-391.
Every couple fights. It's inevitable. But have you ever wondered why some couples seem to navigate their disagreements constructively while others get stuck in destructive patterns that leave both partners feeling hurt and frustrated? The answer might lie in something that was established long before you even met your partner: your attachment style.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of how we connect with others that develop in early childhood based on our relationships with our caregivers. These early experiences create what psychologists call "internal working models"—basically, blueprints for how we expect relationships to work.
There are two main categories:
Secure Attachment: If you had caregivers who were consistently responsive, loving, and reliable, you likely developed a secure attachment style. You tend to feel comfortable with intimacy, trust that others will be there for you, and have a positive view of both yourself and your relationships.
Insecure Attachment: If your early caregiving was inconsistent, neglectful, or unpredictable, you might have developed an insecure attachment style. This can show up as anxiety about whether people really care about you, or as a tendency to avoid getting too close to others to protect yourself from potential hurt.
The Connection Between Attachment and Conflict
Recent research involving 203 married couples revealed something fascinating: the way you learned to attach to people as a child directly influences how you handle disagreements with your spouse today.
Think about it this way—when conflict arises in your relationship, your brain doesn't just respond to the immediate disagreement. It also activates those deep-seated patterns you learned about relationships decades ago. Are people generally trustworthy and available when you need them? Or do you need to fight for attention, or perhaps protect yourself by withdrawing?
How Secure Attachment Helps During Fights
People with secure attachment styles tend to use what researchers call "constructive conflict resolution strategies." When they disagree with their partner, they're more likely to:
- Listen and try to understand their partner's perspective
- Negotiate and look for compromises
- Stay engaged in the conversation rather than shutting down
- Focus on solving the problem rather than winning the argument
This makes sense when you think about it. If you grew up learning that relationships are generally safe and that people can be counted on, you're more likely to approach conflict with the assumption that you and your partner are on the same team, just trying to work through a problem together.
The Insecure Attachment Trap
Unfortunately, people with insecure attachment styles often get stuck in what researchers call "destructive conflict resolution strategies." This might look like:
- Avoiding the conflict altogether (withdrawing or refusing to discuss issues)
- Becoming overly aggressive or dominant (trying to win at all costs)
- Giving in too quickly without expressing your own needs (compliance)
- Escalating the conflict (turning disagreements into all-out battles)
These strategies make sense as protective mechanisms, but they don't actually resolve the underlying issues. Instead, they often make conflicts worse and leave both partners feeling unheard and disconnected.
The Vicious Cycle
Here's where it gets really interesting: attachment styles don't just affect how you behave during conflict—they also influence how you interpret your partner's behavior.
If you have an insecure attachment style, you might:
- See your partner's attempt to discuss a problem as criticism or rejection
- Interpret their need for space as abandonment
- Assume they're trying to control or hurt you when they're just trying to be heard
This creates a vicious cycle where insecure attachment leads to destructive conflict strategies, which then reinforces the very fears and insecurities that caused the problems in the first place.
Real-World Impact
The research shows that these patterns have serious consequences. Studies have found that:
- 10% to 25% of divorces are directly related to couples using destructive conflict resolution strategies
- Couples who engage in destructive conflict patterns are more likely to experience psychological and even physical abuse
- Children who grow up witnessing destructive conflict patterns are more likely to develop their own relationship problems later in life
The Good News: You Can Change
While your attachment style was formed in childhood, it's not set in stone. The human brain is remarkably adaptable, and with awareness and effort, you can learn new ways of handling conflict.
Here are some strategies that can help:
If you tend to avoid conflict:
- Practice bringing up small issues before they become big problems
- Set regular "relationship check-ins" with your partner
- Remember that conflict can actually strengthen relationships when handled well
If you tend to get aggressive during fights:
- Take breaks when you feel yourself getting heated
- Focus on expressing your feelings rather than attacking your partner's character
- Try to understand your partner's perspective before defending your own
If you tend to give in too quickly:
- Practice expressing your needs and opinions, even when it's uncomfortable
- Remember that your feelings and needs are valid and important
- Work on building your self-confidence outside of the relationship
For everyone:
- Learn to recognize your attachment triggers
- Practice seeing conflict as a problem to solve together, not a battle to win
- Consider couples therapy if you're stuck in destructive patterns
Your attachment style isn't your fault—it developed as a natural response to your early experiences. But understanding how it affects your relationships gives you the power to make different choices.
The goal isn't to never fight with your partner. Conflict is normal and can even be healthy when it helps you work through problems and understand each other better. The goal is to fight fair, fight constructively, and fight as a team rather than as enemies.
Remember: every time you choose a constructive response during conflict, you're not just resolving the immediate disagreement—you're also gradually rewiring your brain to expect that relationships can be safe, supportive, and worth investing in. And that's a gift you can give not only to your current relationship, but to your future self and even your children, who will learn their own attachment patterns by watching how you and your partner treat each other.
Your childhood may have shaped your attachment style, but you have the power to shape what happens next.
Abd El Gaber, A. E. M., Alkousy, A. M. M. A., Yamani, I. B. A. J., & Moussa, Y. M. E. (2025). Attachment Style and Conflict Resolution Strategies among Married Couples in the Light of Some Demographic Variabl. Journal of Ecohumanism, 4(1), 3029-3047.
If you're a parent dealing with relationship problems, you're not alone. Recent research from Denmark shows that one in five couples experience significant relationship distress, and among pregnant couples, nearly 20% report some form of partner aggression in the past year. Even more sobering: about half of all Danish marriages end in divorce.
The problem isn't just that relationships are struggling—it's that very few couples actually seek help. Less than one in ten distressed Danish couples have ever tried couples therapy, and only 37% of municipalities even offer joint counseling services to parents.
But what if help could come to you through your computer screen?
Enter the Online Relationship Program
Researchers recently tested whether an online relationship program could bridge this gap between couples who need help and couples who actually get it. The program, called OurRelationship, is an 8-hour web-based course that couples can complete from home at their own pace.
The program is based on something called Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy, which sounds complicated but boils down to a straightforward approach: help couples understand their core problems and learn to both accept each other's differences and make positive changes together.
Here's how it works: The program helps couples identify their main relationship issue by looking at four key areas:
- Differences between partners (like personality or preferences)
- Emotional sensitivities (such as fears about self-worth or abandonment)
- External stressors (like job pressure or family issues)
- Communication patterns (like escalating arguments or avoiding difficult topics)
Once couples understand their core issue, the program teaches them how to communicate in ways that foster both acceptance and positive change.
The Study: Online Program vs. Self-Help Books
Danish researchers wanted to see if this online approach actually worked, so they conducted a study with 39 distressed couples who were also parents. They randomly assigned couples to either:
- The OurRelationship program - the 8-hour online course
- Bibliotherapy - a self-help relationship book with a reading guide
Both groups were followed for several months to see how their relationships improved.
The Results: Both Approaches Help, But Online Has an Edge
The good news? Both approaches helped couples improve their relationships. Participants in both groups reported better relationship functioning and individual well-being after completing their assigned intervention.
However, the online program showed some distinct advantages:
Relationship improvements were stronger: Couples using the OurRelationship program showed small-to-large improvements in relationship functioning, while those using the self-help book showed small-to-moderate changes.
Better communication: The online program was particularly effective at reducing communication conflicts between partners, omething that's crucial for parents trying to create a stable home environment.
Reduced negativity: Couples in the online program reported bigger reductions in negative relationship patterns compared to those who just read the book.
Why Online Programs Might Be Game Changers
This research suggests that online relationship programs could be a viable solution to the help-seeking gap. Here's why they might work so well:
Accessibility: No need to find a therapist, schedule appointments, or arrange childcare. You can work on your relationship from your living room after the kids go to bed.
Privacy: Many couples feel embarrassed about seeking help. An online program removes the stigma and allows couples to work privately.
Self-paced: Unlike traditional therapy with set appointment times, online programs let couples work at their own pace and revisit content as needed.
Cost-effective: While the study didn't focus on cost, online programs are typically much less expensive than traditional couples therapy.
The Reality Check
Before you rush to sign up for an online relationship program, there are some important caveats:
The study was small (only 39 couples) and conducted in Denmark, so we don't know yet how well these results would apply to other cultures or larger populations.
The researchers also noted that successfully implementing such programs requires "a resourceful organization and large-scale delivery" meaning it's not as simple as just putting a program online and expecting it to work for everyone.
What This Means for Struggling Couples
If you're a parent dealing with relationship issues, this research offers hope. It suggests that you don't necessarily need to wait for traditional therapy to become available or affordable. Online programs and even well-structured self-help books can make a real difference.
The key is taking action. Whether it's an online program, a good relationship book, or eventually seeking traditional couples therapy, the research is clear: intervention helps, and earlier is better than later.
For parents especially, addressing relationship problems isn't just about your own happiness, it's about creating a stable, loving environment for your children. The ripple effects of relationship distress extend far beyond the couple, affecting children's emotional, behavioral, and cognitive development.
While online relationship programs aren't a magic fix, this study suggests they could be a valuable tool for couples who might otherwise go without help. As technology continues to evolve, these digital interventions may become an increasingly important part of how we support relationships and families.
The most important takeaway? If your relationship is struggling, you have options. Whether it's an online program, a self-help book, or traditional therapy, taking that first step toward getting help is what matters most.
Trillingsgaard, T. L., Hansen, F. G., & Fentz, H. N. (2025). Comparing the OurRelationship Program and Bibliotherapy for Parents Experiencing Couple Distress: A Randomized Pilot. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 51(1), e12762.
