How couples navigate work and childcare when babies arrive—and why the conversations that should happen often don't
When Sarah and James found out they were expecting their first child, they thought they had it all figured out. Sarah earned more than James, they'd always split household chores fairly, and both considered themselves progressive. Surely they'd handle parenthood differently than the traditional couples they knew, right?
Fast forward two years, and Sarah is working part-time while James maintains his full-time schedule. Sound familiar? Despite earning more before their baby arrived, Sarah ended up being the primary caregiver, a pattern that's surprisingly common, even among couples where women are the higher earners.
The Surprising Truth About "Deciding"
New research from the University of Cambridge reveals something striking: most couples aren't really deciding how to split work and childcare responsibilities when they become parents. They're just... falling into patterns. And those patterns almost always follow traditional gender roles, regardless of who earned more money before the baby arrived.
The study followed 25 professional couples in the UK through their transition to parenthood, interviewing both partners separately to get the full picture. What researchers found challenges everything we assume about how modern couples make these life-changing decisions.
The reality? Most couples barely discuss these decisions at all.
"We never really sat down and said we're going to talk about this and worked it out," admitted one father in the study. "The fact that I don't remember any particular discussions might indicate that we could have focused on it a bit more."
What Couples Actually Talk About (And What They Don't)
When couples do have conversations about work and childcare, they're surprisingly limited in scope. The discussions typically focus on two main areas:
- How long mom will take off work (usually the maximum maternity leave available)
- What kind of childcare to arrange (nursery, nanny, or grandparents)
What's notably absent from these conversations? Any serious discussion about dad potentially taking extended leave or reducing his work hours. Even when couples are aware of policies like Shared Parental Leave, it's often mentioned only "jokingly"—as if the idea is so outlandish it couldn't be taken seriously.
One mother laughed when asked if they'd considered her husband going part-time: "He could do that now, but it's never something we've discussed, ever."
Plot twist: When researchers interviewed her husband separately, he mentioned he'd actually like to work four days a week. Neither partner knew what the other was thinking.
The Four Hidden Forces Shaping These "Decisions"
The research identified four key reasons why couples aren't having the conversations that could lead to more equal arrangements:
1. Traditional Expectations Run Deep
Even among highly educated, progressive couples, deeply ingrained assumptions about parenting roles persist. "It's the traditional thing, isn't it, that you hear the mum is off rather than the dad," explained one mother who was an equal earner before having children.
These expectations come from everywhere: family, friends, colleagues, and society at large. Pregnant women are routinely asked if they'll return part-time, while their male partners face no such questions.
2. Flying Blind Into Parenthood
First-time parents dramatically underestimate how much coordination and discussion sharing childcare actually requires. Many assume their pre-baby equality will naturally continue after the baby arrives.
"I think [the stereotype for women to do the domestic work] is really archaic," said one expecting mother. "It's certainly not the kind of relationship that we've got at the moment, so I can't imagine it would be something that we would have when we have children."
After the baby arrived, she was surprised by how much planning equal sharing required and ended up taking the traditional route instead.
3. Men Fear Rocking the Boat
Perhaps most surprisingly, many fathers expressed interest in taking more parental leave but were afraid to bring it up. They worried about seeming to encroach on their partner's "right" to maternity leave, especially during pregnancy.
"I can't see a father initiating that conversation, especially if you've got to put things in place before the baby's born," explained one father. "Having that conversation with a mother-to-be who's pregnant as well, it's kind of like, I wouldn't want to go there!"
This fear isn't unfounded, many mothers in the study were indeed strongly opposed to sharing their maternity leave, even when it might have made financial sense.
4. No Obvious Trigger for Change
Unlike decisions about childcare (which have waiting lists and deadlines) or maternity leave (which has clear end dates), there's rarely an external pressure that forces couples to reconsider dad's work arrangements. Most fathers take just a week or two off and quickly return to their normal routines, missing the natural opportunity to reassess long-term patterns.
The Motherhood Management Trap
Here's another twist: even when couples don't explicitly discuss these decisions, someone has to make them. That someone is almost always the mother.
Women in the study consistently drove decision-making about work and childcare arrangements, often after extensive personal deliberation that their partners weren't aware of. They researched childcare options, calculated financial implications, and made plans, then presented them to their partners, who typically went along with whatever mom had decided.
"I think I just said how it was going to be," explained one mother. "I knew that I didn't want to go back to work five days a week... I made a calculation in my head that four days a week was what I needed to go back to work to do."
While this might seem like female empowerment, it's actually a burden. Women end up shouldering not just the mental load of managing childcare logistics, but also the emotional weight of making decisions that will affect both partners' careers and their family's financial future.
The Cost of Not Talking
These patterns have serious long-term consequences. When women reduce their work hours and men don't, it typically leads to:
- Growing income gaps between partners
- Reduced career advancement for mothers
- Widening pension gaps in retirement
- Patterns that become harder to change over time
What's particularly striking is that many of these outcomes go against couples' own financial interests. The research found that many families didn't actually calculate whether traditional arrangements made economic sense—they just assumed they did.
A Different Way Forward
The couples who did manage more equal arrangements had one thing in common: they talked about it. A lot. These couples had "rigorous, involved discussions" about work-care decisions and actively considered multiple scenarios.
"We talk about it on a regular basis, about how we will manage work going forward," explained one mother in a more egalitarian arrangement. "We do talk on a regular basis about him dropping down and me stepping up [in working hours]."
The research suggests several ways to encourage these crucial conversations:
For couples: Start having these discussions long before pregnancy, when emotions and expectations aren't already set in stone. Consider all options explicitly, including scenarios where dad reduces his hours.
For employers: Create more opportunities and incentives for fathers to take extended leave and work flexibly. Make it clear that these options are genuinely supported, not just available on paper.
For policymakers: Design parental leave systems that encourage sharing rather than requiring mothers to "give up" their leave to partners. Provide better financial support during leave periods.
For society: Challenge the assumption that work-life balance is primarily a women's issue. Normalize conversations about fathers' involvement in childcare decisions.
Modern couples may believe they're making conscious choices about work and childcare, but most are actually following invisible scripts written by traditional gender expectations. The transition to parenthood happens so quickly, and the decisions feel so overwhelming, that many couples simply default to what seems "normal"—even when it goes against their own values and financial interests.
The good news? Awareness is the first step toward change. Once couples understand how these patterns develop, they can make more intentional choices. But it requires something many busy, exhausted new parents struggle to do: having the difficult conversations before the baby arrives, when the stakes feel lower and the options seem more open.
After all, these aren't just decisions about who changes diapers or who works part-time. They're decisions that will shape careers, relationships, and financial security for decades to come. They're too important not to talk about.
Stovell, C. (2025). Work-family decision-making processes at the transition to parenthood: why aren’t heterosexual couples discussing some of the most important decisions of their lives?. Journal of Family Studies, 1-31
New research reveals surprising ways that internalized shame and relationship patterns affect same-sex couples
Being in a loving relationship can be challenging for anyone, but LGBTQ+ individuals face unique hurdles that straight couples rarely encounter. A new study of nearly 700 lesbian and gay couples has uncovered some fascinating—and unexpected—insights about how internalized shame about sexual orientation and personal attachment styles can make or break relationship quality.
The Hidden Impact of Internalized Shame
We've long known that discrimination and prejudice harm LGBTQ+ individuals, but this research digs deeper into something called "internalized homonegativity," essentially, when someone absorbs society's negative messages about being gay or lesbian and turns them inward.
Think of it like this: after years of hearing that same-sex relationships are "wrong" or "less than," some people start believing these messages on a subconscious level, even if they consciously reject them. This internal conflict can show up as discomfort with public displays of affection, avoiding LGBTQ+ community events, or having doubts about whether same-sex relationships can be as fulfilling as heterosexual ones.
The study confirmed what many suspected: the more someone struggles with these internalized negative feelings, the lower their relationship satisfaction tends to be. It's like having a critical voice in your head constantly questioning the validity of your love, not exactly a recipe for relationship bliss.
The Attachment Style Twist
Here's where things get interesting. The researchers also looked at attachment styles—basically, the patterns we develop early in life for how we connect with others in close relationships. There are two main problematic patterns:
Anxious attachment: These folks tend to worry constantly about their partner leaving them. They might be clingy, need lots of reassurance, and interpret small slights as major threats to the relationship.
Avoidant attachment: These individuals are uncomfortable with too much closeness. They value independence highly and might pull away when things get too intimate or emotional.
The Surprising Results
The study revealed some unexpected findings about how these attachment styles interact with internalized shame:
For Anxiously Attached Individuals: A Double Whammy
People with anxious attachment styles were hit hardest by internalized homonegativity. When they already tend to worry about relationships and seek constant reassurance, adding self-doubt about their sexual orientation creates a perfect storm. These individuals showed the strongest link between internalized shame and poor relationship quality.
It makes sense when you think about it: if you're already prone to relationship anxiety, having that nagging voice questioning whether your relationship is "legitimate" or "normal" amplifies all those existing fears.
For Avoidant Individuals: An Unexpected Shield
Here's the shocker: people with avoidant attachment styles seemed somewhat protected from the negative effects of internalized homonegativity. When someone's natural tendency is to keep some emotional distance and avoid vulnerability, those same defensive mechanisms help shield them from the relationship-damaging effects of internalized shame.
This finding surprised even the researchers, since avoidant attachment is usually considered problematic for relationships. But it seems that in this specific context, emotional distance might serve as a protective buffer.
What This Means for Real Couples
These findings have important implications for LGBTQ+ individuals and their relationships:
If you tend toward anxious attachment: You might be more vulnerable to the effects of internalized negative messages about your sexual orientation. Being aware of this pattern can help you and your partner recognize when these dynamics are at play. Working with a therapist who understands both attachment issues and LGBTQ+ concerns could be particularly beneficial.
If you lean toward avoidant attachment: While you might be somewhat protected from certain negative effects, remember that emotional distance can create its own relationship problems. The goal isn't to become more avoidant, but to find healthy ways to manage any internalized shame while still maintaining emotional connection with your partner.
For all couples: Recognizing that internalized homonegativity can affect relationship quality—even when you're consciously proud of your identity—is the first step toward addressing it. Creating safe spaces to discuss these feelings with your partner or a supportive therapist can help neutralize their power.
Research Insights
This research highlights something important: the effects of discrimination and prejudice don't end when someone comes out or finds an accepting community. The messages we absorb growing up in a heteronormative society can continue to influence our relationships in subtle but significant ways.
However, understanding these patterns also offers hope. When we can identify and name these dynamics, we can begin to address them. Strong, loving relationships can actually serve as powerful antidotes to internalized shame—but only when we're aware of how these forces might be operating under the surface.
The study also reinforces the importance of creating more accepting societies where LGBTQ+ individuals don't internalize negative messages in the first place. But until we get there, awareness and targeted support can help couples navigate these challenges and build the strong, fulfilling relationships they deserve.
This research was conducted with 674 lesbian and gay individuals in committed relationships and published in Behavioral Sciences. While the findings are preliminary and need replication, they offer valuable insights into the complex factors that influence LGBTQ+ relationship quality.
Trombetta T, Fusco C, Rollè L, Santona A. Untangling Relational Ties: How Internalized Homonegativity and Adult Attachment Shape Relationship Quality in Lesbian and Gay Couples. Behavioral Sciences. 2025; 15(2):205. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs15020205
The Hidden Truth About Marriage: Why Being "Fake" is Killing Your Relationship
New research reveals how authenticity, gender, and having kids impact relationship burnout
We've all heard the advice: "Just be yourself in your relationship." But what happens when being yourself feels impossible? When the daily grind of marriage, work, and parenting leaves you feeling like you're wearing a mask even with the person closest to you?
A groundbreaking new study from Turkey has uncovered some uncomfortable truths about modern marriages that might explain why so many couples feel disconnected, exhausted, and burned out—even when they love each other.
The Marriage Burnout Epidemic
Relationship burnout isn't just about having a bad day or going through a rough patch. It's a state of chronic emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that develops when the gap between what you expect from your relationship and what you're actually getting becomes too wide to bridge.
Think of it like this: you start your marriage feeling energetic and optimistic, ready to tackle life together. But over time, unmet expectations, constant stress, and the feeling that you can't truly be yourself begin to wear you down. You might experience chronic headaches, feel hopeless about your relationship, or find yourself going through the motions without any real joy or connection.
The Turkish research, which studied over 600 married couples, found that this kind of burnout is alarmingly common—and it's closely tied to two critical factors most couples never think about: how well they can regulate their emotions and how authentic they feel they can be with their partner.
The Authenticity Problem
Here's where it gets interesting: authenticity in marriage isn't just about being honest about big things like finances or fidelity. It's about feeling free to express your genuine thoughts, emotions, and needs without fear of judgment or rejection.
"Authenticity entails vulnerability with a partner and maintaining fidelity to one's authentic self," the researchers explain. It's about open communication, acceptance, and embracing each other's imperfections—not just the highlight reel you show on social media.
But here's the catch: many people struggle to be authentic in their marriages, especially when life gets complicated. When you're stressed, overwhelmed, or trying to live up to certain expectations (whether from your partner, society, or yourself), it becomes easier to put on a performance than to show up as your real, messy, human self.
Why Women Bear a Heavier Burden
One of the most striking findings from the study was how differently authenticity affects men and women in relationships. Women who couldn't be authentic in their marriages experienced significantly higher levels of relationship burnout than men in similar situations.
This isn't because women are "more emotional" or "needier"—it's likely because women often face different social pressures and expectations in relationships. They're frequently expected to be the emotional caretakers, the ones who smooth over conflicts and keep everyone happy. When a woman feels she can't express her true feelings or needs, the psychological toll appears to be particularly severe.
"Women with low authenticity experience more burnout than men," the researchers found. "Burnout differs more clearly among women according to their level of authenticity."
This suggests that for women especially, feeling like they have to hide parts of themselves or constantly accommodate others' needs without expressing their own can be a fast track to relationship exhaustion.
The Parenting Plot Twist
If you thought the authenticity challenge was tough for couples without kids, wait until you hear what happens when children enter the picture.
The study revealed a surprising finding: couples without children who weren't particularly authentic actually experienced lower levels of burnout. But once kids came along, this pattern completely flipped. Parents who couldn't be authentic in their relationships experienced much higher levels of burnout.
"When couples have children, the authenticity they reflect in their couple relationships seems to fade into the background," the researchers noted. "These results suggest that when couples become parents, they behave as they should, not as they are."
Think about it: when you become a parent, suddenly you're juggling new roles, responsibilities, and expectations. You might feel pressure to be the "perfect parent" or to prioritize your children's needs above everything else, including your authentic self and your relationship with your partner. This role-playing can be exhausting and ultimately harmful to your marriage.
The Emotion Regulation Connection
The other piece of this puzzle involves something psychologists call "emotion regulation"—basically, how well you can understand, accept, and manage your feelings, especially difficult ones.
People who struggle with emotion regulation might have trouble identifying what they're feeling, accepting negative emotions, or responding to emotional situations in healthy ways. Instead, they might suppress their feelings, lash out inappropriately, or get overwhelmed by emotions they can't control.
The study found that when people had both poor emotion regulation skills AND couldn't be authentic with their partners, relationship burnout skyrocketed. It's like a perfect storm: you're already struggling to manage your emotions, and then you feel like you can't even share those struggles honestly with the person who's supposed to be your closest ally.
The Cultural Context
It's worth noting that this research was conducted in Turkey, a country that blends both individualistic and collectivistic cultural values. In collectivistic cultures, there's often more emphasis on meeting family and social expectations, which can make authenticity more challenging.
But these findings likely resonate far beyond Turkey. In our social media age, many couples feel pressure to present a perfect image of their relationship while struggling privately with very real challenges. The gap between public performance and private reality can be emotionally exhausting.
What This Means for Your Relationship
So what can couples do with this information? The research suggests several important insights:
Authenticity isn't optional—it's essential. If you want to avoid relationship burnout, both partners need to feel safe being their genuine selves. This means creating space for difficult conversations, accepting each other's flaws, and resisting the urge to always "keep the peace" by hiding your real feelings.
Women may need extra support. Given that women seem particularly vulnerable to burnout when they can't be authentic, couples should pay special attention to ensuring the female partner feels heard and valued for who she really is, not just what she does for the family.
Parenting changes everything. Once kids arrive, couples need to be extra intentional about maintaining authenticity and connection with each other. It's easy to get lost in parenting roles and forget that you're still individuals with your own needs and feelings.
Emotional skills matter. Learning to identify, accept, and communicate about emotions isn't just good for your mental health—it's crucial for your relationship's survival. This might mean seeking therapy, reading self-help books, or simply practicing more honest conversations with your partner.
The Path Forward
The good news is that authenticity and emotion regulation are skills that can be developed. Couples therapy, mindfulness practices, and even simple changes like setting aside time for honest check-ins can make a difference.
The key is recognizing that being "fake" in your relationship—even with good intentions—isn't sustainable. Whether you're trying to be the perfect spouse, the perfect parent, or just trying to avoid conflict, putting on a mask with your partner will eventually exhaust you both.
"Authentic relationships are built upon open communication, acceptance, and embracing each other's imperfections," the researchers remind us. "Deeper connections and mutual understanding arise when partners can acknowledge and appreciate each other for their genuine selves."
In a world that often rewards performance over authenticity, your marriage can be the one place where you don't have to pretend. But it takes courage, practice, and mutual commitment to create that kind of safe space.
The alternative—relationship burnout—isn't just unpleasant. It's a threat to one of the most important connections in your life. Your authentic self, messy and imperfect as it might be, deserves better than that. And so does your partner.
