How Intimacy Boosts Your Sex Life: What Science Says About Better Relationships
We all know that feeling close to our partner matters, but new research reveals just how powerfully intimacy can transform your sex life. A groundbreaking study followed 211 couples for over a year, tracking their daily experiences to uncover the secret ingredient that makes sexual relationships thrive.
The Daily Dance of Connection
The study found something remarkable: on days when couples felt more intimate with each other, both partners experienced better sex. But here's the twist – it wasn't just about feeling close. The magic happened through what researchers call "positive sexual cues" – essentially, paying attention to all the good stuff during intimate moments.
Think of it like this: when you feel truly understood and cared for by your partner, you're more likely to notice their enjoyment, feel responsive to their needs, and simply have more fun during sex. This heightened awareness of positive feelings creates an upward spiral that benefits both partners.
Why This Matters for Your Relationship
The researchers discovered that intimacy works like a feedback loop. When couples engage in meaningful conversations, show empathy, and truly listen to each other, they create a secure emotional environment. This safety allows both partners to be more present and attentive during sexual experiences, rather than getting caught up in worries or distractions.
The study tracked couples through daily diaries over 35 days, then checked in with them a full year later. The results were striking: people who experienced more intimacy day-to-day maintained higher levels of sexual desire and satisfaction even 12 months down the road.
What Intimacy Actually Looks Like
The research focused on two key components of intimacy that you can practice in your own relationship:
Self-disclosure means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with your partner – both the big stuff and the everyday moments. It's about being open and vulnerable.
Empathic response is how your partner reacts when you share. Do they listen without judgment? Do they show they understand and care? Do they validate your feelings?
When both partners engage in this back-and-forth dance of sharing and responding, intimacy flourishes.
Beyond the Bedroom
What makes this research particularly valuable is that it studied a diverse group of couples – about a third identified as sexual or gender minorities, and the findings held true across different types of relationships. The study also looked at multiple aspects of sexual wellbeing, including desire, satisfaction, and distress.
The daily tracking revealed something important: the benefits of intimacy extend far beyond single romantic gestures. It's the accumulation of small, everyday moments of connection that builds the foundation for lasting sexual satisfaction.
Practical Takeaways
The good news is that intimacy is a skill you can develop. The research suggests that couples who work on their emotional connection see real improvements in their sex lives. This might involve learning to share more openly, practicing active listening, or simply making time for meaningful conversations without distractions.
The study also highlighted the importance of staying present during intimate moments and consciously appreciating positive experiences with your partner. Rather than letting your mind wander to tomorrow's to-do list, focus on what feels good in the moment.
Perhaps most encouraging of all, the research showed that investing in intimacy pays dividends over time. The couples who prioritized emotional connection didn't just have better sex in the short term – they maintained higher levels of sexual desire and satisfaction throughout the entire year of the study.
This challenges the common assumption that passion inevitably fades in long-term relationships. Instead, it suggests that couples who actively nurture their emotional bond can maintain and even enhance their sexual connection over time.
The takeaway is simple but powerful: the key to great sex might not be found in technique or frequency, but in the quality of emotional intimacy you share with your partner every single day.
Bergeron, S., & Rosen, N. O. promotes couples’ sexual wellbeing on a daily basis and over one year: The role of positive sexual cues. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 53, 2737-49.
How the Pandemic Changed Marriage: The Unexpected Ways COVID Brought Couples Together and Pulled Them Apart
A major study reveals surprising patterns in how relationships evolved during lockdowns, work from home orders, and social isolation
When Sarah and Mike were suddenly working from home in March 2020, they figured it would be a temporary inconvenience. Both had demanding careers, two young kids, and the usual busy life that left little time for meaningful connection. But as weeks turned to months of lockdowns and remote work, something unexpected happened: they rediscovered each other.
"We started having coffee together every morning before the kids woke up," Sarah recalls. "We hadn't done that in years. We were talking about things beyond schedules and logistics for the first time in forever."
Sarah and Mike weren't alone. A comprehensive study tracking over 3,000 married Americans through three phases of the pandemic reveals that their experience was surprisingly common. But the research also uncovered a more complex story about how the unprecedented disruption of COVID affected marriages in ways both wonderful and devastating.
The Pandemic as a Relationship Laboratory
Researchers from Indiana University surveyed married adults at three critical moments: the early lockdown phase in April 2020, the prolonged restriction period in December 2020 and January 2021, and the vaccine rollout phase in August and September 2021. Each group consisted of about 1,000 people aged 30 to 50, providing a unique window into how marriages evolved as the crisis unfolded.
The findings challenge the doom and gloom narrative that dominated media coverage of pandemic relationships. While headlines focused on rising domestic violence and divorce speculation, the reality was far more nuanced.
The biggest surprise? More couples reported positive changes than negative ones.
The Good News: Relationships That Thrived
Across all three time periods studied, positive changes in marriages significantly outweighed negative ones. In the later phases of the pandemic, more than half of participants reported improvements in their relationships.
"My spouse and I have been able to spend more time together and have gotten to really know each other again," shared one participant. Another described feeling "more connected than we have ever been because we are spending more time together."
The Gift of Time
The most commonly cited benefit was simply having more time together. For many couples, the forced slowdown created opportunities that had been missing from their busy pre pandemic lives.
Participants described rediscovering shared interests that had been neglected for years. One couple returned to their old tradition of watching movies together, something they hadn't done "in probably 10 years or so" due to the demands of work and parenting.
Others found time for simple but meaningful activities: daily walks, cooking together, or just talking without the constant rush to the next obligation. "We talk more and communicate better with me being at home more," explained one participant.
Creating New Rituals
Beyond rekindling old habits, many couples developed entirely new routines that strengthened their bonds. Some started joint projects around the house, began hiking together, or even got a dog to walk together.
The sharing of household responsibilities became more equitable for many couples. "We are spending a lot more time together. We are more engaged in overall house chores and sharing responsibility," noted one participant.
These new patterns often reflected a more collaborative approach to daily life, with partners taking on tasks they'd never shared before, from pet care to home projects.
Better Communication
Perhaps most significantly, many couples reported dramatically improved communication. Being physically present more often created natural opportunities for check ins, deeper conversations, and simply staying connected throughout the day.
"We have started to communicate much more often through phone calls and texts for no other reason than just to have contact with each other," shared one participant. Others described having enough time to really understand each other's perspectives, likes, dislikes, and expectations in ways that their previous busy schedules hadn't allowed.
A New Appreciation
The pandemic's stark reminder of life's fragility led many to reassess what truly mattered. Participants frequently mentioned developing a deeper appreciation for their partners and their relationships.
"I feel like the pandemic has helped me realize what is really important in life and to be grateful of how much I have," explained one participant. "I definitely appreciate my spouse much more."
The widespread loss of life during the early pandemic particularly heightened this sense of gratitude. "With people losing their lives to the virus we thank God every day for each other," shared another participant.
The Challenges: When Togetherness Became Too Much
However, the story wasn't universally positive. About one in six participants in the early pandemic reported negative changes, and this number jumped to more than one in three by the later phase studied.
Stress Overload
The most common challenge was simply stress from COVID itself, job insecurity, health fears, and the overwhelming nature of the crisis. Some couples found themselves "more stressed and try to avoid each other" as a coping mechanism.
Disagreements about COVID precautions, vaccines, and the seriousness of the virus created new sources of conflict. "We didn't agree on vaccination and how serious COVID-19 is, so we are drifting apart more than ever," shared one participant.
Too Much Togetherness
Ironically, the same increased time together that benefited many couples became a source of strain for others. Some discovered they needed more individual space than lockdowns allowed.
"We get more aggravated because we are around each other more," explained one participant. Others missed the natural breaks that work travel or separate activities had previously provided. The lack of privacy and alone time became particularly challenging for couples who weren't used to spending so much concentrated time together.
Financial Pressure
Job losses, reduced income, and economic uncertainty created significant strain for many couples. "We are stressed about money, so we avoid each other," shared one participant.
The financial stress often interacted with other pandemic pressures, creating a compound effect on relationships. Couples who were already struggling financially found the pandemic's economic impact particularly devastating to their relationship quality.
Family Stress
For couples with children, the added responsibility of home schooling, entertaining kids unable to attend school or activities, and managing family members who moved in for safety created additional pressure.
"More time dedicated to childcare leaves less time to focus on other things," noted one participant. The challenge of balancing work, parenting, and relationship maintenance while confined to home proved overwhelming for many.
The Timing Matters
One of the study's most intriguing findings was how relationship impacts shifted over time. Early in the pandemic, nearly half of participants reported no change in their relationships. But as the crisis stretched on, more people began experiencing both positive and negative changes.
Negative impacts were highest in the later phase studied (August/September 2021), when pandemic fatigue had set in and the initial novelty of extra time together had worn off. This suggests that some of the relationship benefits were not sustainable long term without intentional effort.
The Relationship Resilience Factor
The research supports what relationship experts call the vulnerability stress adaptation model: couples with strong foundations and good coping skills were more likely to thrive during the pandemic, while those with existing problems often saw them worsen.
"Our marriage was not 100 percent before COVID, let alone during," shared one participant. "I think COVID, financial stress, and just all around has led to the decline in our marriage."
Conversely, couples who had solid communication skills and mutual support systems were often able to use the pandemic as an opportunity for growth. Some even reported that marriages on the brink of divorce were saved by the forced time together and reassessment of priorities.
What This Means for Modern Marriage
The pandemic essentially created a massive, unintentional experiment in relationship dynamics. By forcing couples to spend unprecedented amounts of time together while dealing with extraordinary stress, it revealed important truths about what makes marriages thrive or struggle.
The Importance of Quality Time
Perhaps the clearest takeaway is that many modern couples are starved for quality time together. The fact that simply being present more often led to widespread relationship improvements suggests that our normal busy lifestyles may be undermining marital satisfaction in ways we don't fully recognize.
Communication as Foundation
The couples who reported the most positive changes were those who used their extra time together to improve communication. This reinforces the fundamental importance of ongoing, meaningful conversation in maintaining strong marriages.
Stress as an Amplifier
The pandemic served as a stress test that amplified existing relationship patterns. Strong relationships generally got stronger, while struggling relationships often deteriorated further. This highlights the importance of addressing relationship issues before they compound during difficult times.
Adaptation and Flexibility
The couples who thrived were those who could adapt to new circumstances, create new routines, and find opportunities for growth within challenging constraints. This flexibility appears to be a key ingredient in relationship resilience.
Lessons for the Future
As we move beyond the acute phase of the pandemic, several insights emerge for couples wanting to preserve the positive changes or address problems that surfaced:
Prioritize time together: Many couples discovered they needed more quality time than their pre pandemic schedules allowed. Protecting this time requires intentional effort as normal busy life resumes.
Maintain new routines: The beneficial routines developed during the pandemic could be worth preserving, whether that's daily walks, shared meals, or regular check ins.
Address underlying issues: Couples whose relationships deteriorated during the pandemic may benefit from professional support to address problems that the stress revealed or worsened.
Build communication skills: The pandemic highlighted how crucial good communication is during stressful times. Investing in these skills can help couples weather future challenges.
Plan for stress: Understanding how external stress affects your relationship can help couples develop better coping strategies for future difficulties.
The Broader Picture
While the pandemic was undeniably traumatic in many ways, this research reveals that human relationships showed remarkable adaptability. Many couples found ways to not just survive but actually strengthen their bonds during one of the most challenging periods in recent history.
The findings also challenge assumptions about what modern marriages need to thrive. In an era of packed schedules and constant connectivity, the simple act of spending focused time together proved to be a powerful relationship enhancer.
Perhaps most importantly, the research shows that relationship outcomes during crisis aren't predetermined. While some couples struggled, many others found unexpected opportunities for growth and connection. The difference often came down to how couples approached the challenges: with blame and avoidance, or with curiosity and collaboration.
As we continue to navigate an uncertain world, these insights remind us that investing in our closest relationships isn't just personally rewarding—it may be one of our most important survival strategies. The couples who emerged from the pandemic stronger weren't necessarily the ones who faced the fewest challenges, but rather those who faced them together.
Vanterpool, K. B., Francis, H. M., Greer, K. M., Moscovici, Z., Graham, C. A., Sanders, S. A., ... & Yarber, W. L. (2025). Changes in marital relationships over the course of the COVID‐19 pandemic. Family Relations.
How drinking patterns shape relationships, for better and worse
Picture this: Sarah enjoys a glass of wine with dinner most nights, while her husband Mark rarely drinks except at social events. They've been married five years, and lately, Sarah feels like Mark judges her evening ritual, while Mark feels left out of Sarah's way of unwinding. Neither talks about it directly, but the tension is there.
Now imagine another couple: Lisa and David both love craft beer and spend weekend afternoons touring breweries together. They drink at similar levels and see it as part of their shared identity as a couple.
According to new research, these two scenarios represent vastly different relationship trajectories. The difference isn't necessarily how much anyone drinks, but whether couples are on the same page about it.
The Surprising Truth About Couples and Alcohol
Extensive research reveals that alcohol doesn't just affect individual health and behaviour. It fundamentally shapes how couples relate to each other, sometimes in unexpected ways. And the findings challenge many assumptions about drinking and relationships.
The most striking discovery? Whether you drink similarly to your partner matters more than how much either of you actually drinks.
Studies following thousands of couples over the years consistently show that partners who have similar drinking patterns, whether they're both light drinkers, both abstainers, or both heavy drinkers, report higher relationship satisfaction than couples where one person drinks significantly more than the other.
"It seems like the mismatch is more problematic than the actual level of consumption," explains one researcher who has studied this phenomenon extensively.
When Drinking Becomes Dangerous
Of course, alcohol's impact on relationships isn't always benign. The research provides overwhelming evidence that excessive drinking significantly increases the risk of intimate partner violence across cultures and countries.
Studies from Brazil to Cambodia to Spain show the same pattern: when men drink heavily, the likelihood of violence against their female partners increases substantially. This relationship appears regardless of economic status, education level, or cultural background.
But the connection isn't simple. Alcohol doesn't automatically cause violence; rather, it acts like an amplifier for existing tensions and personality traits. People who are already prone to hostility or have poor impulse control are more likely to become aggressive when drinking. Meanwhile, those without these underlying tendencies may actually become more affectionate and intimate after moderate drinking.
Laboratory studies where couples discuss relationship conflicts while one partner is intoxicated reveal this complexity. Some couples become more negative and hostile. Others, particularly those who regularly drink together at moderate levels, actually show increased warmth and connection.
The Compatibility Factor
The research consistently points to one crucial factor: drinking compatibility. This goes beyond just matching consumption levels. Couples who drink together in social settings tend to be happier than those who drink the same amount but separately.
This pattern holds true across different types of relationships:
Young couples starting out: Newlyweds with mismatched drinking patterns are more likely to divorce within their first decade of marriage.
Military families: Service members and their spouses show the same patterns, with relationship satisfaction tied more to drinking concordance than absolute consumption levels.
Older adults: Even couples in their 60s and 70s follow this pattern, with matched drinking associated with better health outcomes and longevity.
Same sex couples: The limited research available suggests these patterns hold for gay and lesbian couples as well.
The Gender Plot Twist
One of the most intriguing findings involves gender differences in how drinking mismatches affect relationships. When couples have dramatically different drinking patterns, who drinks more seems to matter.
Several large studies found that couples where the wife drinks heavily and the husband doesn't are at particularly high risk for divorce. This may reflect lingering social expectations about women's drinking, or it could indicate that women's heavy drinking signals different underlying relationship problems than men's heavy drinking.
The research also reveals different patterns in how men and women use alcohol to cope with relationship stress. Women are more likely to increase drinking in response to marital problems, while men are more likely to drink heavily after divorce, particularly if they weren't the one who initiated the split.
Why Mismatched Drinking Hurts Relationships
Several factors explain why couples with different drinking patterns struggle:
Different social worlds: When one partner's social life revolves around drinking and the other's doesn't, they may develop separate friend groups and activities, gradually growing apart.
Judgment and resentment: The non-drinking or light drinking partner may view their partner's consumption as excessive or irresponsible. Meanwhile, the heavier drinker might feel judged or restricted.
Financial stress: Significant drinking can strain budgets, especially if it leads to work problems or health issues.
Communication breakdown: Couples often avoid directly discussing their different drinking patterns, allowing resentment to build without resolution.
Role confusion: When drinking affects reliability or parenting responsibilities, it can create additional tension about household roles and duties.
The Divorce Connection
The relationship between alcohol and divorce is complicated and bidirectional. Heavy drinking increases divorce risk, but divorce also increases drinking problems, particularly for men.
Studies tracking people through divorce show that alcohol problems often spike in the years leading up to separation and remain elevated for years afterward. Men who didn't initiate the divorce seem particularly vulnerable to increased drinking as a coping mechanism.
However, there's an important exception: women divorcing husbands with serious drinking problems often see their own alcohol consumption decrease after the split. This suggests that sometimes divorce can be protective against alcohol problems when it removes someone from a harmful drinking environment.
When Drinking Helps Relationships
Surprisingly, moderate alcohol consumption can actually benefit some relationships. Couples who occasionally drink together in social settings often report feeling more connected and intimate. The key factors seem to be:
Moderation: Light to moderate consumption, not heavy drinking Togetherness: Drinking as a shared activity rather than separately Social context: Drinking in relaxed, positive settings rather than as stress relief Timing: Occasional rather than daily consumption
This doesn't mean couples should start drinking to improve their relationships. Rather, it suggests that for couples who already drink, doing so together in moderation can be part of a healthy relationship pattern.
Practical Implications
For couples navigating alcohol in their relationships, the research suggests several important considerations:
Talk about it openly: Many couples never directly discuss their drinking patterns and expectations. Having honest conversations about alcohol preferences, limits, and concerns can prevent misunderstandings.
Find common ground: Look for ways to align your approach to alcohol, whether that means both drinking less, finding alternative shared activities, or establishing mutual boundaries.
Watch for warning signs: If drinking becomes a source of regular conflict, affects parenting or work responsibilities, or leads to aggressive behavior, it's time to seek help.
Consider professional support: Couples therapy can help navigate drinking related relationship issues, while addiction treatment may be necessary for serious alcohol problems.
Don't assume change will be easy: Drinking patterns are often deeply ingrained and tied to social identity, stress management, and relationship dynamics. Changing them typically requires patience and often professional support.
Looking Forward
This research reveals that alcohol's impact on relationships is far more nuanced than simple "drinking is bad for marriage" messages suggest. The key insight is that compatibility and communication matter more than absolute consumption levels.
For couples, this means paying attention not just to how much you or your partner drinks, but to how alcohol fits into your shared life together. Are you using it to connect or to escape? Does it bring you together or drive you apart? Are you both comfortable with your drinking patterns, or is one person quietly resentful?
These aren't always easy questions to answer, and they may require difficult conversations. But given alcohol's powerful influence on relationship satisfaction, violence risk, and divorce likelihood, they're conversations worth having.
The goal isn't necessarily for every couple to drink exactly the same amount, but rather to develop a shared understanding and approach that works for both partners. In a culture where alcohol is deeply woven into social life, that understanding might be one of the most important relationship skills couples can develop.
Kulak, J. A., Heavey, S. C., Marsack, L. F., & Leonard, K. E. (2025). Alcohol Misuse, Marital Functioning and Marital Instability: An Evidence-Based Review on Intimate Partner Violence, Marital Satisfaction and Divorce. Substance Abuse and Rehabilitation, 39-53.
