The Simple Mental Trick That Can Help You Resolve Relationship Conflicts

We've all been there: you're in the middle of yet another argument with your partner about the dishes, money, or whose turn it is to walk the dog. Your mind starts wandering to how great it would be if you could just resolve this once and for all. You imagine a peaceful evening together, no tension, problem solved. But somehow, despite all that positive thinking, nothing actually changes.

New research suggests there might be a better way to think about your relationship conflicts, one that could actually help you resolve them instead of just dreaming about resolution.

The Problem with Pure Positive Thinking

When we're dealing with relationship conflicts, our natural tendency is to indulge in what researchers call "positive fantasies." We imagine how wonderful things will be once the problem is solved, picturing ourselves and our partner happy and conflict-free. It feels good in the moment, but here's the catch: these rosy daydreams might actually make us less likely to take action.

Why? Because positive fantasies can create a false sense of accomplishment. Your brain gets a little hit of satisfaction from imagining the good outcome, which can make you feel like you've already done the work—even though you haven't actually addressed the underlying issue.

Enter "Mental Contrasting"

Researchers have identified a more effective approach called "mental contrasting." Instead of just fantasizing about the positive outcome, you follow a two-step process:

1. First, imagine the desired future: Picture how great it would be to resolve your conflict—the relief, the closeness, the end of that nagging tension.
2. Then, identify your main inner obstacle: What's really standing in your way? Maybe it's your anger, your pride, your fear of being vulnerable, or your tendency to shut down during difficult conversations.

This mental technique helps your brain create stronger connections between your desired outcome and the specific obstacle you need to overcome. When you encounter that obstacle in real life, you're more likely to remember your goal and take action toward it.

What the Research Found

In two studies involving over 540 people in romantic relationships, researchers tested whether mental contrasting actually works better than just positive thinking. Here's what they discovered:

For people in generally happy relationships: Mental contrasting helped them resolve conflicts they saw as both important and solvable. Over two weeks, these couples made more progress on their relationship issues compared to those who only engaged in positive fantasizing.

For people in less satisfied relationships: Mental contrasting didn't necessarily solve their conflicts (which tended to be more severe), but it did increase their mental engagement with the problems. They thought more deeply about their issues and were more motivated to work on them.

Why This Matters for Your Relationship

The research reveals something crucial: not all conflicts are created equal. Some are genuinely solvable with effort and good communication, while others might be more fundamental incompatibilities. Mental contrasting helps you engage more effectively with the conflicts worth fighting for, while potentially helping you recognize when to let go of impossible battles.

The technique works best when two conditions are met:

• The conflict matters to you: You genuinely care about resolving it
• You believe it's solvable: You have realistic hope that things can improve

How to Try It Yourself

Ready to give mental contrasting a shot? Here's how to apply it to your own relationship conflicts:

1. Choose a specific ongoing conflict that's been bothering you and your partner.
2. Spend a few minutes imagining the positive outcome. Really visualize how it would feel to have this issue resolved. What would your relationship look like? How would you both feel?
3. Identify your main inner obstacle. Be honest: what's the biggest thing within yourself that's preventing resolution? Common obstacles include:
   • Anger or resentment
   • Fear of being hurt again
   • Pride or stubbornness
   • Anxiety about confrontation
   • Tendency to avoid difficult conversations
4. Connect the two: Recognize that overcoming your inner obstacle is necessary to reach your desired outcome.
5. Take action: When you notice your obstacle arising, use it as a cue to move toward resolution rather than away from it.

The Bottom Line

Mental contrasting isn't magic, it won't solve deep seated relationship problems overnight. But it can be a valuable tool for helping you engage more effectively with conflicts that are worth your time and energy. Instead of getting lost in fantasies about a perfect relationship, you'll be better equipped to do the real work of building one.

The next time you find yourself daydreaming about relationship harmony, try adding that second step: identify what's really standing in your way. Your relationship might just thank you for it.

Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(2), 367-391.