Common Cognitive Expectations and Standards that Interfere With Your Relationship
The way we think about our relationships has a huge impact on how we feel and act. Here are five common mental habits that I often see in my practice as a psychologist that focus on couples counselling:
Selective Attention
We tend to focus on certain parts of our partner’s behaviour while ignoring others. For example, we might hang onto their words but overlook their actions—or vice versa. If you only notice the things that frustrate you, you might be missing the bigger picture.
Attributions
This is all about how we explain our partner’s actions. Say they don’t answer your question right away, do you assume they’re distracted or that they’re trying to control the relationship? Our assumptions about why someone does something can either create understanding or fuel conflict(Dattilio 2010).
Expectations
We all have ideas about how our partners will react in certain situations. If you believe that sharing your feelings will make them angry, you might hold back. But what if that assumption isn’t true? Sometimes, our expectations stop us from taking actions that could actually improve our relationships (Dattilio 2010).
Assumptions
These are the deep-seated beliefs we have about people and love. For instance, a woman might assume that men don’t need emotional connection, leading her to keep her distance. These assumptions often come from past experiences, but they don’t always reflect reality (Dattilio 2010).
Standards
Everyone has an idea of what a relationship should be like. Some people believe partners should share everything with no boundaries. Others think personal space is a must. When our standards clash with reality (or with our partner’s expectations), tension can build (Dattilio 2010).
Recognizing these hidden thought patterns can help us break free from misunderstandings and connect more deeply. Next time you catch yourself making an assumption or holding onto a rigid expectation, take a step back. A little awareness can go a long way in making love last and help your relationship stay strong.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
Separation Anxiety Disorder
Separation Anxiety - Psychologist Counselling Program
Separation Anxiety Separation anxiety, the fear of being apart from loved ones, is a natural and adaptive response crucial for survival. However, in children, this fear can sometimes become excessive and chronic, evolving into a condition known as separation anxiety disorder. Children with this disorder often cling to their parents, avoid sleeping over at friends' homes, and may resist attending school. Thankfully, effective treatments are available for children struggling with separation anxiety. While much of the research on separation anxiety focuses on children, recent studies reveal that this condition can also affect adults. Adults with separation anxiety experience intense and ongoing fears of being apart from loved ones, which may include children, partners, parents, or other close relationships.
When directed toward children, these fears can lead parents to become overprotective, struggling to let their children gain independence. If focused on romantic partners, the affected individual may exhibit controlling, dependent, or jealous behaviors. For adults anxious about their own parents, their lives may revolve around maintaining constant involvement with them, often at great personal cost. Despite its profound impact on social, emotional, and professional functioning, separation anxiety disorder in adults has historically been overlooked as a recognized condition. Fortunately, the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) now includes separation anxiety disorder as a diagnosable condition for adults, alongside children. Even so, adult separation anxiety often goes undetected or is misdiagnosed by researchers and clinicians. Its symptoms are frequently mistaken for those of other disorders, such as panic disorder, agoraphobia, or personality disorders, leading to suboptimal treatment.
The instinct to seek closeness to caregivers and those who provide protection during times of vulnerability is a trait shared by most mammals. In humans, fears of separation from close attachments—such as intimate partners, family members, or close friends—are deeply rooted. However, when these fears become excessive and focused on one or two specific individuals, they can be maladaptive, leading to significant distress and social dysfunction. In such cases, health professionals should consider the possibility of a diagnosis of separation anxiety disorder.
Clinical Indicators of Adult Separation Anxiety
- Repeatedly seeking excessive reassurance about the availability or contact with attachment figures, such as calling them multiple times during the day or needing detailed information about their plans and whereabouts in advance.
- Demanding specific timing and conditions for reunions after being apart from the attachment figure, including ensuring that safety measures are in place (e.g., information about companions, phone numbers, and emergency contact details) to guarantee reconnection.
- Hesitance to leave the home, often displayed as delaying, making excuses, or procrastinating before going out.
- Engaging in "sleep rituals" like sleeping with lights on, keeping the bedroom door open to hear familiar people nearby, playing music in the background, ensuring the attachment figure is available or reachable before bed, and experiencing difficulty sleeping alone.
- Actively seeking out key attachment figures, such as making unnecessary or prolonged phone calls or looking for familiar people associated with their close bonds when those key figures are not available. For adults, maintaining contact—either in person or via phone—can serve as a substitute for the clinging and shadowing behaviors seen in young children.
Manicavasagar, V., Silove, D. (2020). Separation Anxiety Disorder in Adults: Clinical Features, Diagnostic Dilemmas and Treatment Guidelines. Netherlands: Academic Press.
Emotion Focused Therapy - Counselling Services for York Region - Vaughan, ON
Our goal is to create a safe, egalitarian relationship with our partners. Emotional responses are shaped and constructed so each couple can feel safe when expressing themselves. We teach our couples how to respond in this way on an ongoing basis. Couples are taught to recognize that much of their behaviours are influenced by social learning and each of them participate in a ‘cycle’ that keeps them stuck from successful conflict resolution.
EFT meta-analysis studies suggest that 70-73% of couples describe themselves as recovered from marital distress and 90% report having significantly improved after treatment. EFT has also demonstrated success across cultures and social classes.
Couples Counselling - Communication Issues - Vaughan, ON
As a psychologist, I help many people improve on their communication. In an ideal world, we would all learn early on that open, reciprocal communication is far more productive than trying to stake claims without considering others’ perspectives. Diplomacy is a valuable skill that can be applied to all areas of life. In the home, the ability to engage in thoughtful communication can strengthen connections and resolve conflicts (partner or other family members). The goal for counsellings is to help sharpen the skills that you have so you can communicate better and more effectively.
If you don’t know how to express your needs, they’re less likely to be met. Fortunately, improving your communication skills is always possible and its my goal to teach you how to do that. It involves mastering the art of active listening, a skill taught in nearly every psychologist. counseling program.
How do we stop the bad communication habits?
I aim to help you identify issues that may influence the dysfunctional communication you and your partner experience. Together, we will work with you to develop treatment goals and ensure you are on the right path to success. We do this by monitoring progress session-by-session and providing guidance every step of the way. Sometimes, it's really difficult to figure out what you are doing, which may make the communication worse or troubling. Gathering information from others is a particularly useful strategy to learn more about your hangups. Whatever you do, do not take the hangups personally, Much of what we learn about how to communicate come from what we have observed from others. The people that we have observed throughout our lives may not have been the best communicators themselves. Part of the counselling process is to simply observe, model and learn how to communicate in a healthy manner. Part of this process is to also learn when to have these conversations and how to monitor your body to see if you are getting too upset or angry.
I an assessment necessary when it comes to communication issues?
There are psychological related concerns that may influence poor communication with others. Part of the process is to conduct an assessment to better understand if there are physical or emotional concerns that may influence poor communication. For instance, many people who struggle with communication also struggle with symptoms of ADHD. This could be a rather simple fix by suggesting behavioural strategies or more investigative work is required to determine best course of action. Either way, having a better understanding of yourself may help improve not only what happens at home but outside of home as well.
What does healthy communication look like?
Healthy communication requires there to be attention. This means that you are not on your cell phone and you are engaged in the conversation. You are hearing their concerns and are able to repeat them back to them in your own words. Healthy communication also requires that you acknowledge their feelings and validate their concerns. What's also required, in my opinion, is openness, compassion, and kindness. One trick that I often use with my couple is to make sure they try to explain the problem without using a 'you' statement (i.e., when you..). The goal of counselling is to help you better understand the rules of engagement and how best to remain attentive and communicate your needs.
There are so many variables that may influence poor communication. Sometimes, it's a lack of time, energy, or desire. Part of the assessment is to help figure out it and develop a plan so that both of you are on the right track.
Books you may find helpful:
Getting the Love You Want - Harvill Hendrix
Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Hearth - Tara Bennet Goleman
Love Sense - Sue Johnson
Additional Articles:
Working with Unsolvable Problems
I an assessment necessary when it comes to communication issues?
There are psychological related concerns that may influence poor communication with others. Part of the process is to conduct an assessment to better understand if there are physical or emotional concerns that may influence poor communication. For instance, many people who struggle with communication also struggle with symptoms of ADHD. This could be a rather simple fix by suggesting behavioural strategies or more investigative work is required to determine best course of action. Either way, having a better understanding of yourself may help improve not only what happens at home but outside of home as well.
What does healthy communication look like?
Healthy communication requires there to be attention. This means that you are not on your cell phone and you are engaged in the conversation. You are hearing their concerns and are able to repeat them back to them in your own words. Healthy communication also requires that you acknowledge their feelings and validate their concerns. What's also required, in my opinion, is openness, compassion, and kindness. One trick that I often use with my couple is to make sure they try to explain the problem without using a 'you' statement (i.e., when you..). The goal of counselling is to help you better understand the rules of engagement and how best to remain attentive and communicate your needs.
There are so many variables that may influence poor communication. Sometimes, it's a lack of time, energy, or desire. Part of the assessment is to help figure out it and develop a plan so that both of you are on the right track.
Books you may find helpful:
Getting the Love You Want - Harvill Hendrix
Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Hearth - Tara Bennet Goleman
Love Sense - Sue Johnson
Additional Articles:
Working with Unsolvable Problems
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