Part of the work done in counselling is to help couples understand how some of their perpetual problems are actually solvable. At times, when couples begin counselling, they feel like their partner is holding onto their position and not willing to budge. They may also think that their problem is unsolvable. Part of the work we do is to help them understand that most of their problems are solvable and that a few behavioural modifications are required to get them there.

This is done by examining how the couple interreact when they are engaging in discussions about the unsolvable issue. This may mean examining the tone of the conversation, how problems are solved, what repair attempts are made, if there are efforts to calm down and discuss, if compromises are made and if each person is willing to tolerate imperfection. Together, we examine each part of the conflict and approach situations by being aware of how we are engaging with the problem. If there are problematic behaviours, adjustments are made to facilitate growth and maturity. Both partners need to be willing to make changes for this to work.

Sometimes, there are issues that neither side can come to a resolution with (i.e., having another child). At times, it may require one person to grieve the loss of a dream or desire. Part of the counselling process is to learn to have a healthy dialogue about the unsolvable problem and work on proceeding past it.

Jon Gottman describes five steps when couples reach a ‘gridlock’ with a problem they cannot solve:

1. Understand the root issues
2. Focus on communicating as calmly as possible when discussing the topic
3. Figure out where you are able to be flexible and discuss your non-negotiables.
4. Focus on ending the conversation calmingly and express gratitude and appreciation for one another.


References:
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.


If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I practice psychological counselling and provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.