How to Help Your Depressed Partner As They Get Help
In my psychologist role as a couples counsellor who works with depressed individuals, I often suggest that the depressed individual in a couple be offered a “limited sick role.” This involves assisting couples or family members in lowering their expectations and renegotiating relationship responsibilities while the individual with depression continues receiving therapy (Datillio 2010).
Family members can play a crucial role in supporting the recovery of a loved one with depression by actively working on their relationships. It's important to address the intensity of conflict, the impact of the depression on the individual, and the frustration felt by spouses or other family members. In some cases, this may be best addressed through separate sessions with family members or by involving the spouse in the individual's therapy. By learning specialized coping strategies, family members can better navigate the challenges of living with someone who is depressed, fostering a healthier and more supportive environment.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
How Depression Affects Romantic Partnerships
Depression and Relationships
Depression doesn’t just impact the person experiencing the situation, but it also ripples through their relationships, particularly affecting spouses in profound and often gender-specific ways. Research has shown that men and women who live with a depressed partner process the experience differently, influencing their emotional well-being, coping mechanisms, and perceptions of their relationship.
Studies have found that wives of depressed husbands often withdraw from social life, experiencing heightened feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, and loneliness compared to husbands of depressed wives (Dattilio 2010). Women in these relationships also tend to adopt more depressive thinking patterns, becoming emotionally absorbed in their partner’s struggles (Dattillio 2010).
A man’s depression, in particular, seems to strike at the heart of household stability and emotional intimacy, making it a top concern for his partner. In contrast, when a woman struggles with depression, her husband is more likely to cope by seeking distractions such as pouring himself into work, social engagements, or hobbies like sports (Dattilio 2010). Additionally, men may take a more problem-solving approach, focusing on tangible solutions rather than dwelling on the emotional aspects of their spouse’s condition (Datillio 2010).
On the other hand, women in these situations often internalize their distress, ruminating on negative emotions and relying on their internal coping skills rather than external distractions. This tendency to focus inward can sometimes exacerbate the emotional burden they carry.
Understanding these different coping styles can help couples navigate the challenges of depression together, fostering empathy and encouraging healthier communication. Rather than retreating into their respective coping mechanisms, partners can find ways to bridge the gap by offering support, seeking professional help, and working as a team to weather the storm. Working as a Psychologist, assessing for depression is imperative to the success of the relationship.
Predictors of Divorce
Gottman discovered that couples heading toward divorce exhibited a higher level of negative emotional behavior and interactions compared to positive ones. He identified specific negative behaviors—such as complaint/criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—as the strongest indicators of a relationship’s eventual breakdown (Dattillio 2010).
Complaint/criticism: A complaint is an expression of disagreement or frustration about a specific issue, which can escalate into criticism. Over time, it becomes more judgmental, generalized, and blaming, especially after repeated attempts to address the issue.
Contempt: Contempt involves mockery, insults, sarcasm, or derision aimed at another person, suggesting their incompetence or absurdity. This can include disapproval, disdain, judgment, or belittling remarks.
Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a response aimed at protecting oneself from a perceived attack. This can manifest as denial of responsibility for a problem, counterattacking, or whining.
Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when the listener gives no feedback or response to the speaker, creating a figurative "wall" between them. Emotionally, the speaker may feel that the listener is detached, aloof, smug, hostile, disapproving, cold, or uninterested.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
