The Ripple Effect: How Thoughts, Emotions, and Behaviors Shape Family Dynamics
How CBT can Help in Couples Counselling
Families are more than just a collection of individuals, they function as interconnected systems where each member influences and is influenced by the thoughts, emotions, and behaviours of others. This idea, rooted in systems theory and cognitive behavioural psychology, suggests that understanding a family’s overall dynamic requires examining both the individual members and how they interact.
Over time, as family members observe one another’s reactions and behaviours, they develop assumptions about their relationships. These assumptions evolve into deeply ingrained mental frameworks, shaping how they respond to one another (Dattillio 2010). For instance, a child who grows up in a highly critical environment may assume that love is conditional, leading to behaviours that either seek approval or avoid vulnerability.
This constant interplay between thoughts, emotions, and behaviours creates the foundation for family dynamics. Recognizing these patterns can be the key to improving communication, resolving conflicts, and fostering healthier relationships within the family unit. After all, when one part of the system shifts, it can create a ripple effect, transforming the entire family experience.
Beyond individual thoughts and perceptions, family dynamics are shaped by shared beliefs, what can be called a family schema. These deeply ingrained perspectives develop over years of interaction, influencing how family members relate to one another and interpret their experiences. Rather than focusing solely on individual cognition, it’s essential to examine these collective beliefs, as they serve as the foundation for family behaviours, traditions, and emotional responses. Understanding and reshaping these schemas can be key to fostering healthier family relationships.
In any relationship, we are constantly filtering information selectively, focusing on certain details while overlooking others. This is a natural part of human cognition, but it also opens the door for biased perceptions, particularly between partners. Our brains rely on attributions and expectations to interpret a partner’s behavior and predict future actions. However, when these assumptions are incorrect—such as attributing a mistake to malicious intent rather than misunderstanding—they can create unnecessary conflict and resentment. Likewise, misjudging how a partner will react to our own actions can lead to tension and miscommunication. All of these need to be examined with me in session. As a psychologist, I work with couples to understand each variable influencing the dysfunctional behaviour in the relationship and create a plan for healing. This is done by helping clients recognize that not all assumptions are harmful. Many are essential for healthy relationships, like shared values and moral standards that guide behavior. However, rigid or unrealistic expectations can be damaging, leading to interactions that feel unfair or unbalanced. Recognizing and adjusting these mental filters can help couples navigate their relationships with more understanding, patience, and emotional clarity.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
The Relationship Bank Account: Investing in Love
Renowned relationship expert John Gottman likens marriage to a bank account, where every positive interaction serves as a deposit, helping couples weather the inevitable withdrawals that come with conflict. Over time, a surplus of kindness, appreciation, and support creates a cushion, allowing partners to overlook or forgive occasional negative behaviours rather than retaliating in kind (Dattillio 2010).
This concept underscores the importance of investing in daily acts of love and connection like expressing gratitude, showing affection, and offering support. When couples consistently build their emotional reserves, they’re better equipped to navigate challenges without falling into a cycle of negativity. The takeaway? A thriving relationship isn’t about avoiding conflict altogether but ensuring that the deposits always outweigh the withdrawals.
My work as a psychologist has helped couples build their emotional reserves. I do believe that building on emotional reserves is quite important when you consider how many variables exist today that can take us away from investing in our relationships. Negativity can come from anywhere, but I do believe that consciousness and mindfulness can help with supporting the emotional reserve.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
Social Exchange Theory and The Decision to Stay in an Unhealthy Relationship
One of the strongest indicators of a healthy relationship is interdependence, the extent to which partners seek fulfillment within the relationship rather than looking elsewhere. When couples align their goals and actively contribute to each other’s happiness, their bond strengthens. This mutual support creates a foundation of trust and shared purpose.
However, even in deeply connected relationships, it’s natural for individuals to seek certain forms of fulfillment independently. Whether it’s personal hobbies, career aspirations, or social connections outside the marriage, partners may still crave experiences that exist beyond their union. The key lies in finding the right balance: maintaining a strong partnership while allowing space for individual growth.
Interdependence doesn’t mean losing oneself in a relationship, it’s about blending two lives in a way that nurtures both the “us” and the “me.” Couples who understand this dynamic can foster a relationship that is both deeply connected and personally fulfilling.
When it comes to commitment, relationships often function like a complex cost-benefit analysis. Individuals subconsciously weigh the rewards of staying against the potential gains or losses of leaving. If the benefits of the relationship outweigh the alternatives, commitment deepens. But if outside options seem more appealing, doubts may creep in (Datillio 2010).
This psychological process helps explain why some people remain in relationships that outsiders might find unbearable, such as those involving infidelity or even abuse. The decision isn’t always black and white; emotional attachment, financial stability, family dynamics, and personal beliefs all play a role in shaping the equation. A person may weigh the pain of betrayal against the fear of being alone, or the security of a shared life against the uncertainty of starting over.
Ultimately, the way we evaluate relationships is deeply personal. While logic and emotions intertwine, understanding the factors at play can provide insight into the complex nature of love, loyalty, and human connection.
According to Social Exchange Theory, a person who is highly dependent on their partner may tolerate a relationship that offers minimal rewards. This dependency can be influenced by deeply held beliefs that marriage should be preserved at all costs, fears of financial hardship after divorce, or the emotional insecurity of being alone. Additionally, concerns about the impact of divorce,such as disrupting the family dynamic or affecting the children’s well-being, can further reinforce the decision to stay (Datillio 2010).
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
