While most relationship research focuses on romantic or emotional infidelity, another form of betrayal quietly affects many marriages: financial infidelity. This occurs when someone engages in financial behavior they know their partner would disapprove of and intentionally conceals it from them.
The numbers are striking. More than one in five partners admit to engaging in financial infidelity, with hidden bank accounts, undisclosed credit card debt, unpaid student loans, and concealed credit scores being the most common secrets. Among couples who combine their finances, the rates are even higher, with 41% admitting to financial deceptions.
A Couple Level Problem
A recent study took a fresh approach to understanding financial infidelity by examining it as a couple level phenomenon rather than an individual behavior. After all, by definition, financial infidelity requires two people in an interdependent relationship. The researchers focused on what happens when partners differ in their tendency to hide financial matters, a dynamic they call financial infidelity asymmetry.
Financial infidelity asymmetry refers to the degree of difference between partners' propensity to engage in financial secrecy. In some couples, both partners are transparent about money matters, creating symmetry at the lower end of the spectrum. In other couples, one partner is much more likely to hide spending, debt, and savings than the other, creating asymmetry.
The Impact on Couples
Using multiple research methods, including a pilot study with real bank account data, studies of married couples, and experiments, the researchers found that couples with greater financial infidelity asymmetry experience worse outcomes on two important dimensions: financial wellbeing and relationship satisfaction.
The study examined real banking data from a money management mobile application, pairing it with survey responses from users. They also conducted studies with married couples where they measured various outcomes at the couple level rather than focusing on individuals separately. The experimental studies manipulated financial infidelity dynamics to observe their effects on relationship satisfaction and intentions to save toward joint financial goals.
Why Asymmetry Matters
The research revealed a key mechanism explaining why financial infidelity asymmetry harms couples. When partners differ significantly in their tendency toward financial secrecy, they're more likely to develop individualized rather than shared financial goals. This separation of goals then predicts lower financial wellbeing and relationship satisfaction.
This finding makes intuitive sense. When one partner is hiding financial behavior, it becomes difficult for the couple to work toward unified financial objectives. The transparent partner may be planning for a joint future, while the secretive partner is making unilateral decisions that affect both people. This misalignment undermines the couple's ability to function as an interdependent unit when it comes to money.
Beyond Other Differences
Importantly, the researchers demonstrated that financial infidelity asymmetry has unique predictive value beyond other ways partners might differ from each other. Couples can be mismatched on many dimensions, but the research showed that differences in financial transparency specifically predict couple wellbeing in ways that other asymmetries do not.
This finding is particularly noteworthy because it extends previous research that largely focused on how similarity or difference in positive traits affects relationships. Financial infidelity proneness is conceptualized as a negative trait with potential to cause harm, and this study is among the first to examine how dissimilarity in such a trait predicts couples' financial wellbeing.
The Direction of Causality
The researchers acknowledged that the relationship between financial infidelity asymmetry and couple wellbeing could potentially work in both directions. Perhaps having individualized financial goals and relationship strain actually increases financial secrecy within couples. Maybe when partners have different priorities, one becomes more inclined to hide financial behavior.
However, the experimental studies provided evidence supporting the original prediction: that financial infidelity asymmetry leads to individualized goals and lower wellbeing, rather than the reverse. By manipulating financial infidelity dynamics and observing the effects, the researchers strengthened their case for the direction of causality.
Understanding the Full Picture
The research examined couples where both partners were low in financial infidelity proneness and compared them to couples where one partner was low and the other was higher. The data suggested that couples where both partners are high in financial infidelity proneness are relatively rare in practice, which makes sense given that sustained financial secrecy from both sides would likely be difficult to maintain.
The focus on comparing transparent couples to asymmetric couples revealed important patterns. The transparent couples, where both partners are open about financial matters, showed better outcomes across the board. They reported higher financial wellbeing and greater relationship satisfaction, and they were more likely to have shared financial goals that both partners worked toward together.
Money and Marriage
These findings contribute to our understanding of why money is such a major source of tension in marriages. Financial conflict is common, but relatively little has been known about what leads to it. This research identifies financial infidelity asymmetry as an important precursor to misaligned financial goals, which ultimately predicts lower couple wellbeing.
The study highlights that marriage is the quintessential example of an interdependent relationship. Partners are not completely autonomous beings; they coexist and exert mutual influence on one another. In this shared context, the actions of one partner inevitably affect the other and the relationship as a whole. When one partner hides financial behavior, it disrupts the foundation of trust and shared purpose that healthy relationships require.
Implications for Couples
The research underscores the importance of financial transparency in romantic relationships. Financial wellbeing is a key predictor of general wellbeing, making it all the more critical that couples address financial matters openly. When partners differ significantly in their approach to financial transparency, it creates a dynamic that undermines both their financial stability and their relationship satisfaction.
For couples navigating financial challenges, the findings suggest that working toward shared financial goals is crucial. When both partners are invested in common objectives and maintain transparency about their financial behavior, they're better positioned to achieve financial security and relationship satisfaction. Conversely, when secrecy and individualized goals characterize a couple's financial life, both dimensions of wellbeing suffer.
This research represents an important step in understanding financial infidelity as a dyadic experience that poses harm to the couple rather than just an individual behavior. By taking a couple level perspective, it reveals dynamics that individual focused research would miss, offering insights into how financial secrecy ripples through relationships and affects both partners' wellbeing.
Nikolova, H., Olson, J. G., & Gladstone, J. J. (2025). Financial infidelity asymmetry predicts couples’ financial and relationship well-being. International Journal of Research in Marketing.
Inside the Therapist's Mind: Working With Couples Through Infidelity
When infidelity enters the therapy room, it brings intense emotions, shattered trust, and profound uncertainty. While much research focuses on helping couples heal, far less attention has been paid to what therapists themselves experience as they guide partners through one of the most challenging situations a relationship can face.
A recent study explored this overlooked perspective by interviewing eight experienced therapists who work with couples dealing with infidelity. What emerged was a revealing picture of the complex emotional terrain therapists navigate as they help couples work through betrayal.
The Core Experience: Grappling With Ambivalence
The researchers found that therapists' experiences can best be understood through the lens of ambivalence, the simultaneous experience of conflicting thoughts and feelings. This ambivalence manifests in three sequential stages: embracing it, tuning into it, and assimilating it.
From the moment a couple enters therapy to discuss infidelity, therapists find themselves holding contradictory experiences. They feel excited yet repelled, overwhelmed yet riveted, frustrated yet energized. One therapist described the work as "exhilarating and fascinating and frustrating and deskilling" all at once.
Embracing Ambivalence
In the initial phase, therapists must sit with completely contradictory views of reality. One partner may be furious while the other feels shame and regret. The therapist absorbs these opposing emotions while trying to remain present to both people.
Several therapists described feeling "split" or "pulled apart" as they worked to maintain neutrality. Part of them might want to condemn the unfaithful partner, while another part recognizes the complexity of the situation. They allow themselves to get drawn into these feelings to some degree, recognizing it as part of building the therapeutic relationship.
This phase is marked by uncertainty and vulnerability for the therapist. They question whether they're asking the right questions or making things worse. Yet this same uncertainty can energize them, transforming "I don't think I can do this" into "I've got to make an effort."
Tuning Into Ambivalence
As therapy progresses, therapists become increasingly aware of their own biases and how these might influence their work. They recognize personal prejudices about infidelity and work actively to manage them in the therapeutic environment.
Gender emerged as a significant factor. Female therapists noticed that female clients sometimes expected them to be more sympathetic based on shared gender. Male therapists acknowledged their own gender biases, such as feeling less compassion when men were the injured party. Some male clients perceived female therapists as viewing them more harshly.
Therapists also described tuning into subtle signals that something wasn't being disclosed. Body language, inconsistencies, and gut feelings would alert them to hidden truths. They learned to trust these instincts and use them to guide interventions, even when it meant asking uncomfortable questions.
Assimilating Ambivalence
The final phase involves therapists using their emotional experiences as fuel for the therapeutic work. They juggle intense emotional discharge from clients while managing their own reactions, often experiencing physical sensations like heart pounding, stomach clenching, or a feeling of heaviness.
Therapists described getting swept up in the couple's dynamics, swinging between their competing positions. They worked to extract themselves and realign, recognizing when they were being pulled to take sides. Rather than viewing this as a failure, experienced therapists learned to see it as information about what was happening in the relationship.
The work carries an emotional residue that extends beyond the therapy room. Therapists talked about going home with their heads full, unable to make room for anything else. They found themselves questioning their own relationships after hearing so many stories of betrayal.
Yet when breakthroughs occurred, when couples moved from entrenched positions to openness and possibility, therapists described profound relief. One spoke of it feeling like "the sun coming out" after a heavy slog through difficult terrain.
The Personal Toll and Professional Growth
Working with infidelity impacts therapists both professionally and personally. They reflect on the vulnerability of their own intimate relationships. Content from sessions can trigger memories and emotions from their own lives. When therapists tune into these resonances, they can connect with clients at a deeper empathic level.
The research revealed that therapists use these personal reactions as resources rather than obstacles. By reflecting on their own experiences of ambivalence, prejudice, and emotional arousal, they gain insight into what couples are experiencing. This mirroring of the couple's distress actually helps therapists manage the challenging work more effectively.
Using the Self in Therapy
The study builds on therapeutic models that emphasize the importance of the therapist's own self in the healing process. Rather than striving for complete neutrality, therapists who embrace their reactions, examine them, and use them consciously may be better equipped to help couples navigate infidelity.
This doesn't mean therapists act on every feeling or share every thought. Instead, they develop sophisticated self awareness. They learn to distinguish when their reactions stem from their own personal stories versus when they're picking up on dynamics in the room. They practice connecting with clients' experiences while maintaining enough detachment to support therapeutic goals.
Implications for Practice
These findings offer reassurance to therapists who struggle with feeling inadequate when working with infidelity. The experience of ambivalence is not a sign of incompetence but rather an inherent part of this work. Understanding the trajectory of these experiences can help therapists anticipate what they'll encounter and feel more prepared.
The research suggests that rather than avoiding or fearing ambivalent responses, therapists should embrace them as sources of information and energy. By paying attention to their prejudices, gender assumptions, and visceral reactions, therapists can use their own experiences to better understand and help their clients.
This study represents a step toward understanding what happens for therapists in the therapy room when infidelity is the presenting issue. While based on a small sample of therapists working in Ireland, it provides empirical support for clinical wisdom that has long emphasized the importance of the therapist's use of self.
The portrait that emerges is of therapists as active participants who co create the therapeutic dynamic rather than neutral observers. They experience the roller coaster of emotions alongside their clients, and by embracing rather than resisting this experience, they position themselves to guide couples toward healing and reconciliation.
O’Rourke, V., McElvaney, R., & Kirrane, M. (2025). Grappling with Infidelity: The Experiences of Therapists. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 24(1), 24-48.
Understanding Why Affairs Happen: A Guide for Couples Therapy
Infidelity remains one of the most challenging issues couples face, and therapists often struggle with how to help partners navigate the aftermath. A recent framework offers guidance by categorizing affairs based on the underlying motivations that drive them, providing therapists with a roadmap for more targeted treatment.
The Importance of Understanding Motivations
When an affair comes to light, the immediate focus is often on the betrayal itself. However, understanding why the affair happened is crucial for three key reasons: helping to end ongoing affairs, preventing future infidelity, and creating a coherent story that both partners can understand and work with during healing.
The Woolley motivation typology divides affairs into three broad categories and seven specific types, each requiring different therapeutic approaches when combined with Emotionally Focused Therapy, a treatment method that has shown effectiveness in helping couples recover from infidelity.
Three Main Categories of Affairs
Relationally Driven Affairs
These affairs stem from problems within the primary relationship. They include protest affairs, where someone engages in infidelity as a reaction to feeling hurt or abandoned; come and get me affairs, where the goal is to make a partner jealous and more attentive; and burned out affairs, where someone has lost hope in the relationship and uses the affair to help them leave.
One of the unique challenges with relationally driven affairs is that both partners often have wounds from before the affair occurred, in addition to the trauma of the betrayal itself. This can lead to hopelessness about whether things can improve. Therapists need to balance addressing the infidelity with acknowledging the relationship problems that existed beforehand, while being careful that the unfaithful partner doesn't use those problems to blame their partner.
Romantic Escape Affairs
When life becomes stressful and someone doesn't turn to their partner for support, they may escape into a romantic affair. The excitement and secrecy provide a powerful distraction from work problems, financial stress, or other difficulties. These affairs can sometimes continue for years, with the person going back and forth between relationships.
The key to healing from escape affairs involves helping the unfaithful partner become aware of their emotional needs and learn to address stress openly rather than through escape. They need to eventually turn to their primary partner for comfort instead of seeking relief outside the relationship.
Intrapsychically Driven Affairs
These affairs are rooted in deeper psychological issues, often stemming from past traumas or disconnections. They include hedge fund affairs, where someone maintains backup relationships because they believe others will inevitably abandon them; power player affairs, where sex and power become disconnected from love and vulnerability; and compulsive affairs, characterized by disconnected sexual encounters used to numb emotional pain.
Intrapsychic issues typically require addressing past traumas, and individual or group therapy may complement couples work. The goal is to help the person experience corrective emotional experiences with their current partner that can heal deeper wounds.
General Principles for Treatment
Beyond understanding motivations, several general recommendations apply to treating infidelity. Complete and honest disclosure is typically essential for healing, though it should focus on the betrayed partner's healing rather than alleviating the unfaithful partner's guilt. The therapist needs to confirm whether the affair has truly ended and help terminate any ongoing contact with the third party.
Managing shame is also important. People who have been unfaithful often feel shame, which is a disconnecting emotion that shifts focus away from their partner's pain. Therapists can address this by framing the actions as destructive while affirming that the person is not fundamentally bad, and that their distress actually indicates their actions conflict with their deeper values.
Betrayed partners often become obsessed with details of the affair as they try to rewrite their relationship history. While some information is necessary, focusing solely on details without addressing the emotional and attachment meanings can hinder healing. Therapists help shift the focus to what the affair meant in terms of trust, safety, and feeling loved.
The Role of Attachment
Research has found that all seven types of affairs relate to insecure attachment styles, meaning people who engage in affairs often have underlying fears about connection and abandonment. The therapy process involves not just stopping the affair, but helping both partners develop more secure ways of relating to each other.
Creating safe emotional connection takes time, particularly after betrayal. The unfaithful partner needs to truly understand their partner's pain at an emotional level and show deep remorse. The betrayed partner needs to experience this understanding. Both partners must develop a clear story about what led to the affair and what will prevent it from happening again.
This framework for understanding affair motivations fills an important gap in how therapists approach infidelity. While Emotionally Focused Therapy has proven effective for healing the emotional wounds of betrayal, understanding the specific motivations behind each affair can help ensure it has stopped, make sense of why it happened, and prevent future infidelity.
The recommendations come from both clinical experience and existing research, though outcome studies specifically testing this typology have not yet been conducted. As therapists continue working with couples facing infidelity, this motivational framework offers a structured way to tailor treatment to each couple's unique situation, increasing the chances of successful healing and relationship repair.
Woolley, S. R., & Koren, R. (2025). Using the Woolley motivation typology to heal infidelity with emotionally focused therapy. European Journal of Mental Health, 20, 1-10.
