The Role of Anxiety in Relationships
When we encounter a stimulus, like the sudden sight of a barking dog, the amygdala quickly springs into action, signalling the brain to process the potential threat. This happens almost instantly, without any conscious thought. The brain, in turn, can bias our perceptions, causing us to quickly interpret something as dangerous, even if it’s not (Dattillio 2010). This rapid, automatic response happens without us being aware of it, and it can deeply influence how we react in emotional situations. For example, someone who grew up in an abusive household may have a heightened amygdala response in moments of conflict(Dattillio 2010). If that person experiences arguments or tension in their current relationship that remind them of past abuse, their brain may instantly interpret the situation as dangerous. This can trigger intense emotional and physiological reactions, regardless of any cognitive understanding or behavioural efforts to manage the situation. Over time, if the person experiences prolonged abuse, the amygdala can become sensitized to conflict, responding in a hyper-alert or "knee-jerk" manner due to past emotional conditioning (Dattillio 2010).
I often see this in my psychologist's practice when working with highly dysregulated couples. This is why it's so important to complete an assessment at the beginning of our work. Discussing the trauma that someone may have experienced could help shed light on how they are reacting when confronted with conflict. Understanding the biophysiological responses of our loved ones, especially how our brains react to certain emotional triggers, is essential for improving relationships. For instance, much of the communication we have with family members or partners is nonverbal. Subtle cues like eye contact, tone of voice, and facial expressions are processed by the brain’s right hemisphere, which handles emotion and implicit understanding. A spouse might cross their arms, shift their posture, or make facial expressions while processing what the other person is saying, but these gestures can sometimes be mistakenly interpreted as signs of annoyance or anger when they’re actually simply part of the emotional processing happening in the brain (Dattillio 2010).
Educating partners and family members about how the brain works, especially how emotions and behaviors are processed—can help foster better understanding and communication. For example, if one partner’s tone of voice doesn’t seem to match their facial expression, it could indicate that they are struggling to connect with their emotions, perhaps due to a neurological issue or simply being out of touch with their feelings. Recognizing these patterns can help reduce misunderstandings and support healthier, more compassionate relationships. Part of the work we also do is better understand how the person can regulate so they can work on their engagement with their partner. Great work can happen when reflection is used and cognitive skills are taught to create awareness.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
The Brain, Emotions, and Relationships: Understanding the Neurobiological Impact
How Neurobiology Influences Your Relationships
Understanding the brain's chemistry is key when it comes to navigating conflicts in relationships. While in some cases, deficits are clear to identify, many couples may experience more subtle issues that stem from functional deficits in cognition, emotion, or behaviour. I have seen many patients in my psychologist practices over the years, and it is quite surprising how many couples counselling issues were related to physical health challenges. These underlying issues can often go unnoticed and may not be tied to a degenerative condition but can still contribute to relationship dysfunction.
The neurobiological processes at play in our bodies have a profound impact on how we interact with others, and this can limit the progress couples make in therapy. For example, how do we determine when someone is struggling with permanent neurobiological challenges? And more importantly, what can we do to address it? This isn't always an easy question to answer, and in some cases, it may require a referral to a neuropsychologist or neuropsychiatrist for further diagnostic testing. If a condition is identified, it might lead to cognitive rehabilitation, which can help the individual adapt.
What we know is that the brain's chemistry doesn't affect everyone the same way. Some individuals find it harder to process thoughts and emotions, which can make therapy feel especially challenging. Distinguishing between deliberate behaviours and those that stem from neurological influences is a critical part of the therapeutic process.
Recently, there has been growing interest in how genetics and neurobiology shape our interpersonal relationships.The emerging field of neuropsychology is offering new insights into how emotional and behavioural patterns develop in intimate partnerships. This research has been integrated with attachment theory to help couples improve dyadic affect regulation, or the way partners influence each other's emotions in real-time. With a deeper understanding of how the nervous system is affected by emotional reverberations, couples can work toward greater emotional attunement, creating a more secure and connected relationship.
Further research has even shown that romantic relationships can stimulate brain areas linked to motivation, similar to the way hunger or thirst triggers biological responses (Dattillio 2010). Functional MRI scans have revealed that certain dopamine-rich areas, such as the ventral tegmental area (VTA), light up when we think about our romantic partners. These regions are part of our brain's motivation and reward system, and they become active when we receive emotional fulfillment from those we love. Understanding the neurobiological aspects of relationships can open new doors for therapy, helping couples better understand their emotional triggers and strengthening their bond.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
How Your Family Shapes Your Relationships: Exploring the Family of Origin Inventory
Our early family experiences play a powerful role in shaping how we think, feel, and interact in relationships. Richard Stuart’s Family of Origin Inventory (1995) is a tool designed to help individuals and couples explore these deep-rooted influences. By reflecting on their upbringing, spouses can better understand how their past experiences impact their current relationships, communication styles, and emotional responses.
This comprehensive inventory gathers insights into family dynamics, values, and behavioural patterns. Therapists use this information to ask targeted questions, helping couples uncover underlying schemas, the beliefs and expectations they bring into their marriage based on childhood experiences.
Recognizing these ingrained patterns can be the first step toward building healthier, more conscious relationships. By understanding where certain reactions and expectations come from, couples can break unhelpful cycles and create a relationship based on intention rather than inherited habits.
It’s crucial to place more focus on examining the schemas that couples and family members bring into their relationships, schemas that are often rooted in their families of origin. These mental frameworks shape how individuals believe relationships should function, influencing everything from emotional responses to intellectual and behavioural expectations. By exploring these inherited beliefs, couples can gain deeper insights into their dynamics and begin to address any outdated or unhelpful patterns.
A significant focus was placed on exploring the belief systems each spouse encountered during childhood and how these early influences shaped their schemas around sexual relations, love, and intimacy. Understanding these foundational beliefs can reveal how they impact the way each partner approaches these core aspects of their relationship.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
