Why Families and Couples Struggle to Communicate
Many families experience challenges in expressing thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. Research shows that struggling families often have difficulty listening to one another and solving problems effectively (Datillio 2010). Poor communication can turn small disagreements into major conflicts, leaving everyone feeling frustrated and unheard.
Several key factors contribute to communication breakdowns. Expressing emotions requires self-awareness, the right vocabulary, and the confidence to speak openly without fear of judgment. Emotional control also plays a crucial role, as reacting in anger or shutting down completely can escalate conflicts. Effective problem-solving involves clearly defining the issue, brainstorming solutions, weighing the pros and cons, and agreeing on a plan that works for everyone. What I have noticed in my work as a psychologist who works specifically with couples is that without these steps, problems tend to resurface repeatedly.
Some families that attend counselling at my clinic face greater communication difficulties due to underlying issues. Past experiences, including trauma or childhood environments where open conversation was not encouraged, can make self-expression challenging. What I have seen first hand is that mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety may also interfere with the ability to communicate clearly or manage conflict in a calm manner. This is why a psychological assessment is so essential when working with couples. Additionally, unresolved relationship tensions (especially built up resentment) can create barriers to productive conversations. Research indicates that even individuals who communicate well in professional or social settings may struggle within their families due to deep-seated emotional dynamics (Datillio 2021).
Improving communication requires more than just learning new techniques; it involves fostering an environment where everyone feels safe to express themselves. Active listening, patience, and a willingness to work together help break negative patterns. Strong families are built on understanding and effort rather than perfection.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
How to Manage with Imperfect Partner's In Our Relationship
Here’s a simple truth that often gets overlooked: no one falls in love with a flawless person.Your partner—like every human—has quirks, bad habits, and emotional baggage. They’ll sometimes say or do things that frustrate you, and other times, they’ll fail to say or do what you’d hoped for.
It’s just part of being in a relationship. Expecting perfection sets you up for constant disappointment. Instead, embracing each other’s imperfections—and learning to communicate through them—is what makes a relationship truly strong.
No matter how much you love your partner, they’re going to annoy you sometimes. They’ll be impatient, irritable, forgetful, or just plain rude. They might break promises, pull away emotionally, or seem unavailable when you need them. It’s not a matter of if ..it’s when.
After working with couples for many years, what I have come to understand is that the happiest couples understand that perfection isn’t the goal.They expect occasional missteps, knowing that no one gets it right all the time. Instead of blowing up or keeping score, they either let the small stuff go or have calm, honest conversations about the bigger issues.
Unfortunately, not all couples handle relationship bumps with patience and understanding. Many react with hurt, anger, or resentment. These negative feelings cloud judgment and make healthy communication difficult. When emotions run high, problem-solving takes a backseat. Instead of working together, partners get stuck in a cycle of blame, frustration, and defensiveness. If these feelings build up over time, they can slowly chip away at love and goodwill.
What works? Recognizing when emotions are getting in the way and taking a step back before things spiral. A little patience, perspective, and a deep breath can go a long way. This may mean practicing mindfulness andbeing aware of your feelings and challenging how you feel and think before confronting your partner.This may also mean taking responsibility and seeing the whole problem instead of the singular issue that you believe it to be. Reframing the situation may help to provide perspective but also help you manage your own emotions when choosing to confront your partner about the situation. In reality, we really need to look at all of the variables to observe why and how a person acts the way they act. Understanding each variable will help us move forward to create awareness and positive change. Acceptance needs to also be considered. Perhaps, our partner's lack the skills or the will to change. If this is the case, then acceptance can look like many things, but most importantly, grieving what you hope they change may be the starting point.
Common Cognitive Pitfalls That We All Do In Our Relationship Do But Need to Stop
Common Couples Cognitive Distortions
Here is a list of common cognitive pitfalls that couples tend to strugglewithin a relationship.
Personalization occurs when you interpret your partner's undesirable behaviour as a sign of not caring about you or as a deliberate attempt to hurt you. You may not consider that their actions could simplybe a reflection of their personality or typical way of reacting. When we start to personalize, we forget that sometimes our partners are just psychologically hardwired in this way. I often recommend that patients acknowledge their partner's weaknesses and create reframes so they don't take it as personally. For instance, a reframe of a partner's thinking may be, "Sometimes it can be extremely frustrating when Tim isn't mindful of showing me affection. But, I am aware that he suffers from emotional disability at times, and not a lack of love for me."
It's natural to want love—we all do. Feeling loved makes life more fulfilling and enjoyable. But sometimes, people take this desire to an extreme, convincing themselves that theyneed love to survive. You've probably heard (or even said) things like, "I need him" or "I can't live without her."
The truth is, no one actuallyneeds romantic love to live. Thinking this way can put unnecessary pressure on both you and your partner, creating stress instead of strengthening the relationship. Love should be a want, not a desperate need—because when we believe we can't be happy without it, we risk losing ourselves in the process. When I work with patients, I help them become aware of their distorted thinking and how they may be engaging in behaviours that support their neediness. The behaviours may be pushing their partner away instead of bringing them closer.
Awfulizing - We've all been there—something goes wrong, and suddenly, it feels like the worst thing ever. That's called awfulizing—blowing a bad situation way out of proportion. Instead of seeing a frustration for what it is (just annoying or unfortunate), we convince ourselves it's unbearable, like a full-blown disaster. But here's the thing: most setbacks aren't that bad. Sure, they might be frustrating, but they're rarely world-ending. When we make a habit of awfulizing, we only add stress and make things feel worse than they really are. The next time you catch yourself spiraling, take a deep breath and remind yourself—this is tough, but it's not the end of the world. I have had clients comment on their partner's commitment to work labeling it as awful, which in turn make the person feel worse about the situation. Choosing the appropriate language and emotion is particularly important when reflecting on these experiences. I have had clients in the past attend session for pain issues only to come to recognize that it's not so much pain they feel it's discomfort.This helped them manage with the symptoms better. Similarly, clients in couples counselling are encouraged to not awfulize and use the appropriate feeling to discuss their discontent. Using the correct emotion to describe the situation could help facilitate greater dialogue and encourage compromise.
Low frustration tolerance. Nobody likes dealing with relationship challenges, but some people convince themselves they can't handle them at all. When you believe that love should be easy and free of problems, even small frustrations can feel unbearable. You might start dreading conflict, shutting down emotionally, or overreacting when things don't go smoothly.
But the truth is, no relationship is perfect. Disagreements, disappointments, and rough patches are all part of the deal. Learning to tolerate these moments—not fear them—helps build a stronger, more fulfilling connection with your partner. Instead of seeing frustration as a dealbreaker, try viewing it as an opportunity to grow together.
Self- or Other Damning - it's easy to fall into the trap of judging ourselves—or our partners—too harshly. If we succeed in love, we feel worthy; if we struggle, we feel like failures. This kind of self-damning is common among people who are anxious, jealous, or insecure in relationships. They tie their self-worth to how well things are going with their partner, which only adds more pressure andagain may create more friction and discontent with their partner.
The same goes for other-damning—when we label our partner as a "bad" person just because they upset us. Instead of seeing a mistake or flaw for what it is, we turn it into their whole identity. I see this happen quite a bit with couples in my counselling work. But no one is perfect, and relationships thrive on understanding, not extreme judgments. Learning to separate actions from worth—both our own and our partner's—can lead to a much healthier, happier connection.
Adapted from the text:
Grieger, R. (2015). The Couples Therapy Companion: A Cognitive Behavior Workbook (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315738390
