How Attachment Styles Shape Relationships
The way people connect in relationships is shaped by their attachment style, which influences thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and even physical responses. Attachment patterns begin in childhood, based on early experiences with parents or caregivers, and continue to evolve in romantic relationships. In my psychological sessions with couples, I help them better understand their attachment style and work on helping clients understand how to be vulnerable in their relationship (Dattilio 2010).
Researchers Hazan and Shaver (1987) introduced the idea that adults form deep emotional bonds with romantic partners, shaping their expectations of love and connection. Later, Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) expanded this concept, identifying four main attachment styles (Dattilio 2010):
Secure – People with a secure attachment see themselves as worthy of love and trust others. They are comfortable with both intimacy and independence, leading to healthier relationships.
Preoccupied – Those with this style have a negative self-image but view others positively. They tend to become overly dependent on relationships, seeking validation from their partners.
Fearful-Avoidant – This attachment style combines a negative view of both oneself and others. People with this pattern often fear closeness and avoid deep relationships to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Dismissing – Individuals with a dismissing attachment view themselves positively but see others as unreliable. They prioritize independence and may avoid intimacy altogether.
Why Attachment Style Matters in Love
Studies have found a strong link between attachment style and relationship satisfaction. Couples with secure attachments tend to experience more happiness and stability. On the other hand, insecure attachment styles can lead to challenges in communication, conflict resolution, and emotional intimacy (Dattilio 2010).
For instance, people with insecure attachment often react more negatively to their partner’s mistakes, showing higher levels of hostility and difficulty in forgiving (Dattilio 2010). These patterns can make it harder to resolve conflicts and build long-term commitment.
Understanding attachment styles can help individuals and couples improve their relationships. By recognizing patterns and working toward a more secure connection, partners can foster trust, improve communication, and strengthen their emotional bond.
References:
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
Common Relationship Patterns That Create Distance
Some relationship struggles that I have seen throughout my years as a psychologist go beyond simple disagreements and turn into repeated, destructive patterns. Researchers Epstein and Baucom (2002) have identified several common interaction styles that can prevent couples from meeting each other’s needs, leading to frustration and emotional distance (Datilio 2010).
One of these patterns is mutual attack, where both partners engage in criticism or blame, escalating conflicts instead of resolving them. I would often see this in session, even after educating them on the dysfunctional pattern. I do believe that mindfulness and choice are important variables that create change when it comes to engaging in purposeful behaviours to attack your partner. Reflecting on your actions and words requires you to be grounded and conscious of how your messages will be delivered and received. This requires practice and could take some time (Datilio 2010).
Another is the demand-withdraw pattern, where one person pushes for communication while the other shuts down or pulls away. Some couples fall into mutual avoidance, where both partners withdraw, avoiding difficult conversations altogether. No work ever gets done if both partners choose to engage in these behaviours (Datilio 2010). This not only becomes difficult to work with in session but only further perpetuates problems at home. I often recommend that couples continue to reflect on their own behaviours and work towards respect, accepting imperfection, and using their higher conscious minds when engaging in a difficult discussion.
These behaviours don’t just affect couples—they can also play out in families, making it difficult to resolve conflicts or maintain healthy connections. Therapists often work with individuals to break these patterns before guiding couples or families toward more effective communication. Recognizing and addressing these habits can help build stronger, more supportive relationships.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
Actions Speak Louder: How Nonverbal Behaviour Affects Relationships
Communication isn’t just about words. In relationships, actions, both big and small, can send powerful messages, even when nothing is said out loud. Many couples and families I have seen throughout my years as a psychologist struggle not only with poor communication but also with behaviours that unintentionally create tension or hurt feelings.
Everyday actions, whether positive or negative, can influence a relationship. Simple gestures, like helping with household chores or surprising a partner with a thoughtful gift, can strengthen a bond. On the other hand, forgetting an important date or consistently avoiding responsibilities can create frustration and distance. These behaviours may not involve direct conversations, but they still communicate emotions and intentions.
Research shows that people in struggling relationships tend to engage in more negative behaviours and fewer positive ones compared to those in healthier relationships (Datillio 2010). When negativity becomes a habit, conflicts escalate, and resentment builds. Couples in distress are also more likely to react to each other in ways that fuel further misunderstandings rather than working toward resolution.
Recognizing the impact of these subtle, nonverbal behaviours is an important step in improving relationships. Small changes—like showing appreciation, following through on commitments, and being mindful of how actions affect a partner—can make a significant difference in building trust and connection.
Since it’s Valentine's today, it may be wise to consider a kind gesture for your partner to help support your relationship.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
