The Give and Take of Relationships: Understanding Social Exchange Theory
Couples Counselling and Social Exchange Theory
Weighing the pros and cons of any relationship could bring on much confusion at times. The moments when love feels effortless versus the times when frustration takes center stage is at the heart of Social Exchange Theory.
This psychological framework, first introduced by George Homans in 1961 and later expanded by Thibaut and Kelley in 1959, suggests that relationships function like an economic transaction. Each partner assesses the costs (the challenges, conflicts, or sacrifices) and rewards (the joys, companionship, and support) of staying together. When the rewards outweigh the costs, satisfaction follows. But when the scales tip the other way, doubt and regret can creep in.
Social Exchange Theory explains why even the most committed relationships face turbulent moments. It acknowledges that both marriage and single life come with their own trade-offs—no situation is entirely perfect. Thibaut and Kelley applied this theory specifically to intimate relationships, highlighting the patterns of interdependence between partners. If you reflect on your own romantic relationship, you’ll likely recognize this balance at play. What keeps you committed? Is it the emotional security, the shared experiences, or the deep connection? And what challenges test your patience? While love may not be a strict numbers game, understanding this dynamic can help partners navigate the inevitable ups and downs with greater awareness. I often take time in each counselling session to help couples understand how they may have reflections about their relationship that align with Social Exchange Theory. As a psychologist, I think it's important that clients become aware of the theory and how it is put into practice. Ultimately, relationships are a continuous exchange, a delicate dance of give-and-take. The key is ensuring that, in the grand equation of love, the rewards make it all worthwhile.
Every relationship has its highs and lows. Your partner’s bad habits—whether it’s reckless spending, a short temper, or a tendency to leave dirty dishes in the sink—can feel frustrating. But often, these drawbacks are balanced (or even outweighed) by the rewards: kindness, unwavering support, and deep emotional connection. This balance of costs and rewards plays a crucial role in relationship satisfaction. Especially when times are tough. This is also why I believe that Gottman's 5-1 principle is really based on this principle. Gottman argues that couples need to do 5 good things for their relationship so that when they have one bad moment, it is essentially cushioned.
The same principle applies to family dynamics. Siblings, for example, are more likely to treat each other with respect if they believe they’ll receive the same in return. A mutual give-and-take can help resolve conflicts and restore harmony in familial relationships. At its core, Social Exchange Theory explores this cost-benefit ratio in human interactions. Whether in marriage, friendships, or family ties, people subconsciously weigh what they’re receiving against what they’re giving. This process even extends to decisions about commitment—should I stay, or is there something better out there? (Datillio 2010)
One of the most complex aspects of this theory is how individuals perceive and interpret their relationship costs. A woman whose husband has been unfaithful, for example, might rationalize, “It only happened once—it’s unlikely to happen again.” She may weigh the emotional pain of betrayal against the cost of losing the relationship entirely, ultimately deciding that staying is the lesser of two evils.
In this way, the mind plays a significant role in shaping relationship decisions. Perception, expectations, and personal values all influence how we measure the “worth” of staying versus leaving. Love, after all, isn’t just about emotions—it’s a complex calculation of what we’re willing to endure for the people we cherish.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
Emotionally Focused Therapy: Breaking Free from Relationship Struggles
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples break free from negative relationship patterns by focusing on emotional responses and deep-seated defenses. When couples experience distress, they often become stuck in rigid, self-reinforcing cycles of interaction, reacting to each other with emotional walls rather than vulnerability. I absolutely love the work that Sue Johnson has done in this area. I often use EFT in my work with couples and since I have been using it (probably 10 years now), I've seen so much emotional growth in my couples. EFT guides partners to lower their defenses and express their true feelings, fostering deeper emotional connections. Instead of remaining trapped in unhealthy patterns of reacting and withdrawing, couples learn how to communicate in ways that promote trust and understanding. Essentially, the more vulnerable you are the closer you will become- I truly believe this.
Rooted in attachment theory, EFT recognizes that in close relationships, whether in marriage or long-term partnerships, emotions often override logic. When people feel disconnected, they don’t just need practical solutions; they need to feel safe, heard, and valued. This approach differs from traditional cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), which focuses on rational negotiation and behaviour changes. EFT, on the other hand, sees relationships through the lens of emotional bonds rather than transactional exchanges.
By helping partners tap into their deeper emotions and attachment needs, EFT fosters stronger, more secure connections, turning emotional responses into a pathway for healing rather than conflict. When Sue would conduct live sessions with couples, it was truly magical to see. My work mimics her, and I am lucky enough to have received training in EFT that has now translated to many couples see success in counselling. This approach views relationships as a dynamic "dance," where each partner influences how emotions are expressed and processed. By recognizing and reshaping these interactions, EFT helps couples create healthier, more fulfilling connections built on emotional safety and openness (Johnson 2013).
References:
Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. First edition. New York, Little, Brown and Company.
The Power of Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and adjust emotions in a way that shapes how we experience the world, connect with others, and find meaning in life. It plays a key role in mental well-being, influencing how we react to situations and handle challenges.
Our emotions help us interpret both external events, like a conversation with a friend, and internal experiences, such as memories or thoughts. By regulating emotions effectively, we can stay balanced, focus our attention where it’s needed, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Often, in therapy, emotions run high. At times, regulation becomes difficult and could monopolize the session. Working on your emotions becomes one of the most important skills to learn when engaging in couples counselling. In my role as a psychologist, we work to help you build skills to become better aware of your emotions and how best to resolve conflict when you are feeling upset and frustrated.
When emotions run high, the need to feel understood becomes strongest. These are also the moments when people feel most vulnerable. This emotional intensity can lead to frustration, causing some to lash out physically or shut down completely when they feel unheard.
In relationships, whether with a partner or family member, feeling dismissed can trigger a powerful reaction. Some respond with anger, while others retreat in silence. These reactions often create distance instead of resolution, making meaningful communication even harder.
Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward breaking it. Taking a moment to listen, acknowledge emotions, and express feelings calmly can transform conflict into connection.
In the session, we work on helping people come to understand when they are about to become dysregulated. Our bodies send us signals to help us better understand what is happening both on a physical and cognitive level. These physiological symptoms can help us prepare for dysregulation. I often recommend in counselling that people become aware of these physiological symptoms and take a break from the conversation for the purposes of regulating. Turning to regulation skills can help with returning to baseline. Deep breathing and going for a walk can help manage the flood of emotions. You are only to return when all of your physiological symptoms have reduced. No good resolutions can come when you are dysregulated.
Strong emotional regulation supports healthier relationships, better decision-making, and a greater sense of control over life’s ups and downs. Learning to navigate emotions can transform not only how we feel but also how we interact with the world around us.
