The way we think about our relationships has a huge impact on how we feel and act. Here are five common mental habits that I often see in my practice as a psychologist that focus on couples counselling:
Selective Attention
We tend to focus on certain parts of our partner’s behaviour while ignoring others. For example, we might hang onto their words but overlook their actions—or vice versa. If you only notice the things that frustrate you, you might be missing the bigger picture.
Attributions
This is all about how we explain our partner’s actions. Say they don’t answer your question right away, do you assume they’re distracted or that they’re trying to control the relationship? Our assumptions about why someone does something can either create understanding or fuel conflict(Dattilio 2010).
Expectations
We all have ideas about how our partners will react in certain situations. If you believe that sharing your feelings will make them angry, you might hold back. But what if that assumption isn’t true? Sometimes, our expectations stop us from taking actions that could actually improve our relationships (Dattilio 2010).
Assumptions
These are the deep-seated beliefs we have about people and love. For instance, a woman might assume that men don’t need emotional connection, leading her to keep her distance. These assumptions often come from past experiences, but they don’t always reflect reality (Dattilio 2010).
Standards
Everyone has an idea of what a relationship should be like. Some people believe partners should share everything with no boundaries. Others think personal space is a must. When our standards clash with reality (or with our partner’s expectations), tension can build (Dattilio 2010).
Recognizing these hidden thought patterns can help us break free from misunderstandings and connect more deeply. Next time you catch yourself making an assumption or holding onto a rigid expectation, take a step back. A little awareness can go a long way in making love last and help your relationship stay strong.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
