When we think about what makes us happy, we usually focus on our own qualities and circumstances. But recent research suggests that your romantic partner's emotional intelligence plays a significant role in your own wellbeing. In other words, being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally intelligent doesn't just make them happier; it makes you happier too.
Two Different Types of Emotional Intelligence
Before diving into the findings, it's important to understand that emotional intelligence comes in two distinct forms. The first is actual emotional ability, which involves genuinely being skilled at recognizing emotions in faces, understanding why emotions arise, and knowing effective strategies for managing feelings. This is measured through objective tests, much like testing someone's math or verbal skills.
The second type is what researchers call self-rated emotional intelligence, which refers to a person's beliefs about their emotional abilities. This is about how confident someone feels in their capacity to understand and manage emotions, whether or not they're objectively skilled at it. Interestingly, these two types of emotional intelligence don't overlap much. You can be quite skilled at reading emotions but lack confidence in that ability, or you can be very confident in your emotional skills without necessarily being objectively talented.
How Your Partner's Confidence Matters
Research involving over 400 romantic couples reveals that when your partner believes they're emotionally intelligent, you tend to experience greater wellbeing. Specifically, having a partner who feels confident about their emotional abilities is associated with feeling more positive emotions, fewer negative emotions, and greater satisfaction with life overall.
This makes intuitive sense. When your partner believes they can detect your feelings and manage their own emotions effectively, they're more likely to invest time and effort into doing exactly that. If they're confident they can control their temper, they probably work harder at staying calm during conflicts. If they believe they can read your emotional state, they're more attentive to your needs.
The Surprising Findings About Actual Emotional Skills
Here's where things get interesting and somewhat counterintuitive. The research found that a partner's actual emotional abilities, as measured through objective tests, don't consistently improve your wellbeing. In some cases, having a partner with higher emotional abilities was actually associated with experiencing fewer positive feelings.
Why might this be? One explanation is that truly skilled emotional perception creates a kind of hypersensitivity. When your partner can accurately read every emotion you're feeling, you can't hide your negative feelings from them. They'll detect your irritation, contempt, or frustration even when you're trying to keep things smooth. This heightened awareness can trigger negative cycles in the relationship rather than preventing them.
Think of it this way: sometimes a little emotional opacity in relationships can be protective. If you're having a bad day and feeling momentarily annoyed with your partner over something minor, it might be better if they don't pick up on every flicker of negativity crossing your face.
Your Own Emotional Intelligence Still Matters Most
While your partner's emotional intelligence affects your wellbeing, your own emotional intelligence matters even more for your happiness. People who believe they're emotionally competent consistently report higher wellbeing across all measures: greater life satisfaction, more positive emotions, fewer negative emotions, and a stronger sense of psychological flourishing.
This makes sense because your own emotional skills and beliefs directly affect how you navigate your daily life. If you feel confident in your ability to manage stress, understand your feelings, and connect with others emotionally, you're better equipped to handle life's challenges and maintain positive mental health.
The Gender Dimension
The research revealed some interesting patterns related to gender. The benefits of actual emotional ability seemed more pronounced for men than women. One possible explanation relates to social expectations: women face stronger pressure to behave in emotionally intelligent ways regardless of their natural abilities, which means even women with lower emotional skills have often learned adequate interpersonal behavior. Men, facing less social pressure in this domain, show clearer differences between high and low emotional ability.
Why Beliefs Matter More Than Skills
The finding that self-rated emotional intelligence matters more than actual ability might seem puzzling at first. But it highlights an important truth about relationships: confidence in your emotional competence drives your behavior in ways that matter to your partner.
When you believe you're capable of understanding and responding to emotions effectively, you try harder, pay more attention, and persist when emotional situations become difficult. Your partner benefits from this effort and attention, regardless of whether you're objectively skilled at emotional tasks.
Conversely, someone with strong emotional abilities who lacks confidence in those abilities might not use their skills effectively. They might second-guess their perceptions, avoid emotional conversations, or fail to trust their emotional judgments.
What This Means for Couples
These findings carry important implications for relationships. If you want to improve your partner's emotional wellbeing, working on your confidence about handling emotions might be more valuable than drilling yourself on emotion recognition tasks.
This doesn't mean emotional skills are irrelevant. But it suggests that how you feel about your emotional abilities shapes how you behave in your relationship, which in turn affects your partner's happiness. Building confidence through positive experiences, supportive feedback, and successful emotional interactions may be more beneficial than purely skill-based training.
Implications for Couples Counseling
For couples seeking professional help, these findings suggest that therapy approaches focused on building emotional self-efficacy might be particularly valuable. Rather than just teaching partners how to recognize emotions or manage conflict, counselors might emphasize helping people feel more confident in their emotional capabilities.
Approaches that use positive affirmation, reflective practices, and supportive dialogue to boost partners' beliefs in their emotional effectiveness could yield significant benefits. When both partners feel capable and confident in their emotional skills, both experience improved wellbeing.
Traditional skills training shouldn't be abandoned entirely, but it works best when it also builds confidence rather than inadvertently undermining it. If learning emotional skills makes someone feel inadequate or highlights their deficits, the net effect on the relationship might be negative.
The Complexity of Wellbeing
It's worth noting that these partner effects, while real, are relatively modest compared to how much your own characteristics affect your happiness. Your partner's emotional intelligence matters, but it's not the primary driver of your wellbeing.
Additionally, the effects varied across different types of wellbeing. Partner emotional intelligence seemed to matter more for day-to-day emotional experiences and life satisfaction than for deeper psychological wellbeing related to personal growth and autonomy. The aspects of flourishing that relate to your own development and self-acceptance may be less immediately influenced by your partner's emotional characteristics.
Relationships as Interdependent Systems
This research reinforces what most people in long-term relationships already know intuitively: your wellbeing and your partner's wellbeing are intertwined. You don't just affect each other through major decisions or obvious support. The subtle, ongoing emotional climate you create together matters enormously.
When both partners feel emotionally competent and confident, they create a positive feedback loop. Each person's emotional self-assurance contributes to better interactions, which improves both people's wellbeing, which in turn makes it easier to maintain that emotional confidence.
Understanding that your partner's emotional confidence affects your happiness offers a hopeful perspective. Emotional self-efficacy is something that can grow through positive experiences and supportive interactions. Unlike innate abilities that might be harder to change, beliefs about emotional competence can shift through learning and relationship experiences.
For individuals, this research suggests that working on your own emotional confidence isn't just self-improvement; it's also a gift to your partner. For couples, it highlights the value of mutual support around emotional competence. When you notice and affirm your partner's emotional attentiveness and skill, you're not just being nice. You're potentially strengthening their emotional self-efficacy in ways that will benefit both of you.
The message is clear: emotional intelligence in relationships isn't just about raw ability. It's about confidence, effort, and the willingness to engage emotionally with your partner. And when both people in a relationship feel capable and confident in their emotional abilities, everyone benefits.
Double, K. S., Xiao, H., Pinkus, R. T., Walker, S. A., & MacCann, C. (2025). You feel better when your partner is emotionally intelligent: Self-rated emotional intelligence shows partner effects on subjective wellbeing. Journal of Happiness Studies, 26(5), 77.
