How couples navigate work and childcare when babies arrive—and why the conversations that should happen often don't
When Sarah and James found out they were expecting their first child, they thought they had it all figured out. Sarah earned more than James, they'd always split household chores fairly, and both considered themselves progressive. Surely they'd handle parenthood differently than the traditional couples they knew, right?
Fast forward two years, and Sarah is working part-time while James maintains his full-time schedule. Sound familiar? Despite earning more before their baby arrived, Sarah ended up being the primary caregiver, a pattern that's surprisingly common, even among couples where women are the higher earners.
The Surprising Truth About "Deciding"
New research from the University of Cambridge reveals something striking: most couples aren't really deciding how to split work and childcare responsibilities when they become parents. They're just... falling into patterns. And those patterns almost always follow traditional gender roles, regardless of who earned more money before the baby arrived.
The study followed 25 professional couples in the UK through their transition to parenthood, interviewing both partners separately to get the full picture. What researchers found challenges everything we assume about how modern couples make these life-changing decisions.
The reality? Most couples barely discuss these decisions at all.
"We never really sat down and said we're going to talk about this and worked it out," admitted one father in the study. "The fact that I don't remember any particular discussions might indicate that we could have focused on it a bit more."
What Couples Actually Talk About (And What They Don't)
When couples do have conversations about work and childcare, they're surprisingly limited in scope. The discussions typically focus on two main areas:
- How long mom will take off work (usually the maximum maternity leave available)
- What kind of childcare to arrange (nursery, nanny, or grandparents)
What's notably absent from these conversations? Any serious discussion about dad potentially taking extended leave or reducing his work hours. Even when couples are aware of policies like Shared Parental Leave, it's often mentioned only "jokingly"—as if the idea is so outlandish it couldn't be taken seriously.
One mother laughed when asked if they'd considered her husband going part-time: "He could do that now, but it's never something we've discussed, ever."
Plot twist: When researchers interviewed her husband separately, he mentioned he'd actually like to work four days a week. Neither partner knew what the other was thinking.
The Four Hidden Forces Shaping These "Decisions"
The research identified four key reasons why couples aren't having the conversations that could lead to more equal arrangements:
1. Traditional Expectations Run Deep
Even among highly educated, progressive couples, deeply ingrained assumptions about parenting roles persist. "It's the traditional thing, isn't it, that you hear the mum is off rather than the dad," explained one mother who was an equal earner before having children.
These expectations come from everywhere: family, friends, colleagues, and society at large. Pregnant women are routinely asked if they'll return part-time, while their male partners face no such questions.
2. Flying Blind Into Parenthood
First-time parents dramatically underestimate how much coordination and discussion sharing childcare actually requires. Many assume their pre-baby equality will naturally continue after the baby arrives.
"I think [the stereotype for women to do the domestic work] is really archaic," said one expecting mother. "It's certainly not the kind of relationship that we've got at the moment, so I can't imagine it would be something that we would have when we have children."
After the baby arrived, she was surprised by how much planning equal sharing required and ended up taking the traditional route instead.
3. Men Fear Rocking the Boat
Perhaps most surprisingly, many fathers expressed interest in taking more parental leave but were afraid to bring it up. They worried about seeming to encroach on their partner's "right" to maternity leave, especially during pregnancy.
"I can't see a father initiating that conversation, especially if you've got to put things in place before the baby's born," explained one father. "Having that conversation with a mother-to-be who's pregnant as well, it's kind of like, I wouldn't want to go there!"
This fear isn't unfounded, many mothers in the study were indeed strongly opposed to sharing their maternity leave, even when it might have made financial sense.
4. No Obvious Trigger for Change
Unlike decisions about childcare (which have waiting lists and deadlines) or maternity leave (which has clear end dates), there's rarely an external pressure that forces couples to reconsider dad's work arrangements. Most fathers take just a week or two off and quickly return to their normal routines, missing the natural opportunity to reassess long-term patterns.
The Motherhood Management Trap
Here's another twist: even when couples don't explicitly discuss these decisions, someone has to make them. That someone is almost always the mother.
Women in the study consistently drove decision-making about work and childcare arrangements, often after extensive personal deliberation that their partners weren't aware of. They researched childcare options, calculated financial implications, and made plans, then presented them to their partners, who typically went along with whatever mom had decided.
"I think I just said how it was going to be," explained one mother. "I knew that I didn't want to go back to work five days a week... I made a calculation in my head that four days a week was what I needed to go back to work to do."
While this might seem like female empowerment, it's actually a burden. Women end up shouldering not just the mental load of managing childcare logistics, but also the emotional weight of making decisions that will affect both partners' careers and their family's financial future.
The Cost of Not Talking
These patterns have serious long-term consequences. When women reduce their work hours and men don't, it typically leads to:
- Growing income gaps between partners
- Reduced career advancement for mothers
- Widening pension gaps in retirement
- Patterns that become harder to change over time
What's particularly striking is that many of these outcomes go against couples' own financial interests. The research found that many families didn't actually calculate whether traditional arrangements made economic sense—they just assumed they did.
A Different Way Forward
The couples who did manage more equal arrangements had one thing in common: they talked about it. A lot. These couples had "rigorous, involved discussions" about work-care decisions and actively considered multiple scenarios.
"We talk about it on a regular basis, about how we will manage work going forward," explained one mother in a more egalitarian arrangement. "We do talk on a regular basis about him dropping down and me stepping up [in working hours]."
The research suggests several ways to encourage these crucial conversations:
For couples: Start having these discussions long before pregnancy, when emotions and expectations aren't already set in stone. Consider all options explicitly, including scenarios where dad reduces his hours.
For employers: Create more opportunities and incentives for fathers to take extended leave and work flexibly. Make it clear that these options are genuinely supported, not just available on paper.
For policymakers: Design parental leave systems that encourage sharing rather than requiring mothers to "give up" their leave to partners. Provide better financial support during leave periods.
For society: Challenge the assumption that work-life balance is primarily a women's issue. Normalize conversations about fathers' involvement in childcare decisions.
Modern couples may believe they're making conscious choices about work and childcare, but most are actually following invisible scripts written by traditional gender expectations. The transition to parenthood happens so quickly, and the decisions feel so overwhelming, that many couples simply default to what seems "normal"—even when it goes against their own values and financial interests.
The good news? Awareness is the first step toward change. Once couples understand how these patterns develop, they can make more intentional choices. But it requires something many busy, exhausted new parents struggle to do: having the difficult conversations before the baby arrives, when the stakes feel lower and the options seem more open.
After all, these aren't just decisions about who changes diapers or who works part-time. They're decisions that will shape careers, relationships, and financial security for decades to come. They're too important not to talk about.
Stovell, C. (2025). Work-family decision-making processes at the transition to parenthood: why aren’t heterosexual couples discussing some of the most important decisions of their lives?. Journal of Family Studies, 1-31
