New research reveals surprising ways that internalized shame and relationship patterns affect same-sex couples
Being in a loving relationship can be challenging for anyone, but LGBTQ+ individuals face unique hurdles that straight couples rarely encounter. A new study of nearly 700 lesbian and gay couples has uncovered some fascinating—and unexpected—insights about how internalized shame about sexual orientation and personal attachment styles can make or break relationship quality.
The Hidden Impact of Internalized Shame
We've long known that discrimination and prejudice harm LGBTQ+ individuals, but this research digs deeper into something called "internalized homonegativity," essentially, when someone absorbs society's negative messages about being gay or lesbian and turns them inward.
Think of it like this: after years of hearing that same-sex relationships are "wrong" or "less than," some people start believing these messages on a subconscious level, even if they consciously reject them. This internal conflict can show up as discomfort with public displays of affection, avoiding LGBTQ+ community events, or having doubts about whether same-sex relationships can be as fulfilling as heterosexual ones.
The study confirmed what many suspected: the more someone struggles with these internalized negative feelings, the lower their relationship satisfaction tends to be. It's like having a critical voice in your head constantly questioning the validity of your love, not exactly a recipe for relationship bliss.
The Attachment Style Twist
Here's where things get interesting. The researchers also looked at attachment styles—basically, the patterns we develop early in life for how we connect with others in close relationships. There are two main problematic patterns:
Anxious attachment: These folks tend to worry constantly about their partner leaving them. They might be clingy, need lots of reassurance, and interpret small slights as major threats to the relationship.
Avoidant attachment: These individuals are uncomfortable with too much closeness. They value independence highly and might pull away when things get too intimate or emotional.
The Surprising Results
The study revealed some unexpected findings about how these attachment styles interact with internalized shame:
For Anxiously Attached Individuals: A Double Whammy
People with anxious attachment styles were hit hardest by internalized homonegativity. When they already tend to worry about relationships and seek constant reassurance, adding self-doubt about their sexual orientation creates a perfect storm. These individuals showed the strongest link between internalized shame and poor relationship quality.
It makes sense when you think about it: if you're already prone to relationship anxiety, having that nagging voice questioning whether your relationship is "legitimate" or "normal" amplifies all those existing fears.
For Avoidant Individuals: An Unexpected Shield
Here's the shocker: people with avoidant attachment styles seemed somewhat protected from the negative effects of internalized homonegativity. When someone's natural tendency is to keep some emotional distance and avoid vulnerability, those same defensive mechanisms help shield them from the relationship-damaging effects of internalized shame.
This finding surprised even the researchers, since avoidant attachment is usually considered problematic for relationships. But it seems that in this specific context, emotional distance might serve as a protective buffer.
What This Means for Real Couples
These findings have important implications for LGBTQ+ individuals and their relationships:
If you tend toward anxious attachment: You might be more vulnerable to the effects of internalized negative messages about your sexual orientation. Being aware of this pattern can help you and your partner recognize when these dynamics are at play. Working with a therapist who understands both attachment issues and LGBTQ+ concerns could be particularly beneficial.
If you lean toward avoidant attachment: While you might be somewhat protected from certain negative effects, remember that emotional distance can create its own relationship problems. The goal isn't to become more avoidant, but to find healthy ways to manage any internalized shame while still maintaining emotional connection with your partner.
For all couples: Recognizing that internalized homonegativity can affect relationship quality—even when you're consciously proud of your identity—is the first step toward addressing it. Creating safe spaces to discuss these feelings with your partner or a supportive therapist can help neutralize their power.
Research Insights
This research highlights something important: the effects of discrimination and prejudice don't end when someone comes out or finds an accepting community. The messages we absorb growing up in a heteronormative society can continue to influence our relationships in subtle but significant ways.
However, understanding these patterns also offers hope. When we can identify and name these dynamics, we can begin to address them. Strong, loving relationships can actually serve as powerful antidotes to internalized shame—but only when we're aware of how these forces might be operating under the surface.
The study also reinforces the importance of creating more accepting societies where LGBTQ+ individuals don't internalize negative messages in the first place. But until we get there, awareness and targeted support can help couples navigate these challenges and build the strong, fulfilling relationships they deserve.
This research was conducted with 674 lesbian and gay individuals in committed relationships and published in Behavioral Sciences. While the findings are preliminary and need replication, they offer valuable insights into the complex factors that influence LGBTQ+ relationship quality.
Trombetta T, Fusco C, Rollè L, Santona A. Untangling Relational Ties: How Internalized Homonegativity and Adult Attachment Shape Relationship Quality in Lesbian and Gay Couples. Behavioral Sciences. 2025; 15(2):205. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs15020205
