Some relationship struggles that I have seen throughout my years as a psychologist go beyond simple disagreements and turn into repeated, destructive patterns. Researchers Epstein and Baucom (2002) have identified several common interaction styles that can prevent couples from meeting each other’s needs, leading to frustration and emotional distance (Datilio 2010).
One of these patterns is mutual attack, where both partners engage in criticism or blame, escalating conflicts instead of resolving them. I would often see this in session, even after educating them on the dysfunctional pattern. I do believe that mindfulness and choice are important variables that create change when it comes to engaging in purposeful behaviours to attack your partner. Reflecting on your actions and words requires you to be grounded and conscious of how your messages will be delivered and received. This requires practice and could take some time (Datilio 2010).
Another is the demand-withdraw pattern, where one person pushes for communication while the other shuts down or pulls away. Some couples fall into mutual avoidance, where both partners withdraw, avoiding difficult conversations altogether. No work ever gets done if both partners choose to engage in these behaviours (Datilio 2010). This not only becomes difficult to work with in session but only further perpetuates problems at home. I often recommend that couples continue to reflect on their own behaviours and work towards respect, accepting imperfection, and using their higher conscious minds when engaging in a difficult discussion.
These behaviours don’t just affect couples—they can also play out in families, making it difficult to resolve conflicts or maintain healthy connections. Therapists often work with individuals to break these patterns before guiding couples or families toward more effective communication. Recognizing and addressing these habits can help build stronger, more supportive relationships.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
