Types of Affairs
I have seen many affairs in my practice and have helped many people move past their trauma to find success and happiness again in their marriage. Here are examples of different types of affairs a person may have.
Serial Infidelity - This often involves a pattern of one-night stands, multiple affairs, or frequent visits to prostitutes, with no emotional attachment to the partners. These infidelities may continue for years within the marriage. While the affairs themselves may not be significant, the behavior is. A person who engages in serial affairs is considered a high-risk partner (Peluso 2007).
The Fling: This type of affair usually lacks an emotional connection with the lover. For some individuals, it may be a single fling or a few during the course of their marriage. People involved in flings typically believe that these encounters won't interfere with their married life. The idea that the risk of being discovered is low (Peluso 2007).
Romantic - There are affairs that become romantic where it satisfies a desire to feel close and a mutal interest of feeling connected. Romantic affairs are the biggest threat to a marriage. Usually, the person having the affair will have to decide if they would like to continue the romantic relationship or repair their marriage. It's often difficult for the injured person to see their partner go through the grief of losing their romantic lover (Pelusos 2007).
Long-Term Affairs - Sometimes, people have long-term affairs. The person having an affair may struggle to make a decision to end the relationship, often due to ambivalence (Pelusos 2007). The affair may go on for years without the other partner knowing.
Peluso, P. R. (Ed.). (2007). Infidelity: A practitioner’s guide to working with couples in crisis. Routledge.
If you are struggling and would like assistance, please feel free to contact me or another Clinical Psychologist who works specifically with couples concerns and offers counselling and psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.
Cyber Affair / Cyber Infidelity
A cyber-affair (also known as cyper-infidelity) happens when a partner in a committed relationship uses social media or other internent platform to break promises, vows, or agreements related to exclusivity. This new form of infidelity presents as a challenge for both therapist and client as it forces both to reconsider the concept of cheating.
Many individuals who discover their partner is cheating with someone through social media or online platforms describe being just as devastated as compared to a traditional affair, even though no physical contact has been made.
Cyber affairs happen:
- In chat rooms where people share a common interest.
- Messaging someone through social media like instagram or facebook
- visiting sites that promote affairs
The engagements between the individuals may start off as casual but may become increasingly more invovled as the exhanges become more of value to each person and the desire to engage becomes increasingly more difficult to manage. It may be the somethign the person looks forward too or fantasize about. There may even be a point where sxual messages may be exchanged. The messages may also include video messages that contain images of their bodies.
A psychologist consult may be best to consider to better understand the behaviour. Suppose the individual is behaving in a sexually compulsive manner- In that case, a treatment plan can be developed to help bring stability and awareness to the behaviours. A distinction will need to be made to determine if the person is sexually addicted or if it is to be considered a cyber infidelity.
There are three characteristics that all individuals with addictions have in common: loss of control to stop the addictive behaviour, the behaviour continuing despite dire consequences, and preoccupation with the addictive behaviour. The addiction cycle starts with thoughts of sex, preoccupation with satisfying the sexual need, and then guilt and remorse until the cycle begins again.
How do I control my anger immediately?
I get asked this question quite often. Individuals who experience anger should consider looking at it from a broader context. This means evaluating how situations, environmental influences, thoughts, behaviours, and emotions influence your anger. Before we talk about how to control your anger immediately, it's important to be aware of the physiological symptoms that come just before you know you are about to become angry. Your body may experience increased heart rate and blood pressure, rapid breathing, tight muscles, sweating, dry mouth, and shaking. This can help you notice when you are about to get angry and be a good indicator that it may be best for you to step away and calm yourself down. I know that when my partner is about to get upset, she opens her mouth slightly. I know this is enough of a sign for me to excuse myself and revisit the conversation or situation when the time is right, and she's much more regulated. To understand your early signs of anger, you may have to write down some of these symptoms the next time you are in a difficult situation.
I do recommend that when you are angry, you consider separating yourself from the situation until you are ready to resume in a healthy manner (if possible). This may mean excusing yourself politely or explaining to the person that you need to step away until you are ready to discuss the situation again or return to the situation to address it (if possible).
Many individuals use breathing strategies to help calm themselves down when they are dysregulated. Calming exercises should be practiced regularly so that they are effective when needed. Breathing deeply from your diaphragm while counting your inhales and exhales could help you slow your breathing down and calm the body. I recommend a 4-second inhale and a 6-second exhale with a 2-second pause (please consult with your healthcare team to determine the best deep breathing approach for you). Ensure you are not breathing from your chest and focus on breathing from your stomach.
Take a minute to exercise or walk around to release the pent-up energy. This could mean separating yourself by going for a walk or run if possible.
Call a friend. Sometimes, talking about the situation with someone can help you return to your baseline. If someone is not available, you can always journal how you feel by writing down how you feel on a piece of paper or on your smartphone.
Use self-talk to help you regulate yourself. Ask yourself questions such as, 'is this really worth it?" or "is getting angry about this really worth it?" Of course, these are simple responses that I would recommend if you were not engaged in a counselling program. If you were engaged in a counselling program, the self-talk you would use would be quite different, and it would include a lot more challenges around the standards you create for yourself and others.
If you would like more information, find out how a psychologist can help. We are located in Vaughan, Ontario.
