The Fear of Abandonment: How It Affects Relationships
Emotions and thoughts both play a big role in relationships, especially when it comes to attachment. Psychologists have identified certain deep-seated beliefs, known as schemas, that shape how people connect with others. One of the most common is the abandonment schema, where a person constantly fears losing those closest to them (Dattillio 2010).
People with this mindset worry that their loved ones will leave—whether through illness, death, or choosing someone else. This fear creates ongoing anxiety and emotional distress, sometimes leading to sadness or depression. If an actual loss occurs, the grief can feel overwhelming and may even turn into anger.
These fears often influence behaviour in relationships. Some individuals become clingy, jealous, or controlling, trying to prevent abandonment. Others take the opposite approach, avoiding close relationships altogether to protect themselves from the pain of potential loss.
When I work with clients who experience difficulties with abandonment, I help them understand that their abandonment fear is actually influenced by a deeper core fear.The deeper core fear may be a belief that they won't be able to manage with the feelings that come with being abandoned such as failure, depression, or being alone (just to name a few).I try tohelp my clients better understand that nothing truly can protect us from situations like this. Life is uncertain, and we have to manage with situations as they come. Most importantly, anything you imagine can happen, and we have to believe in ourselves to figure it out and move on. Much of the counselling work we focus on is trying to better understand how to live with the uncertainty of all that would come if they were to become abandoned. This may include helping them understand that if they are to choose unhealthy coping to manage being abandoned, then the anxiety will remain as it is serving as protection from the unhealthy behaviour. Choosing healthy behaviours to manage is what we strive for.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
Conflict Resolution – Couples Counselling
Problems that Happen Over and Over Again:
I like to believe that if you are arguing over the same issue over and over again, then negative emotions will continue to build around the topic/issue. Sometimes these problems are managed in different ways by couples. Some joke, ignore, rationalize, or even placate to just move past it. However, this doesn’t always work, and it only further contributes to the stress that is put on the relationship and could stunt its growth and maturity. Coping is undoubtedly part of managing with perpetual problems and we want to help couples cope with and not ignore perpetual problems. This means making a decision about perpetual problems or at least coming to terms that perhaps it’s unsolvable, and acceptance may have to come in doing so. Choosing coping in a healthy way is what we work on in counselling. I like what is stated in the text The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by Jon Gottman, “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are the ones you can cope with.”
When no headway can be made, and a couple continues to have the same argument over and over again, it could hinder the foundation of the relationship and could potentially influence the relationship to become unstable. Feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration may brew and further push the couple apart. Understanding when this happens can help a couple better understand that help is needed. Some of the symptoms include (just to name a few): you feel rejected by your partner when you are unable to solve the conflict, you get nowhere with your exchanges about the topic, no one is willing to budge when you talk about the subject you both feel more upset and hurt.
How Can I Help?
The good news is that you have all you need to help solve a problem: motivation and willingness. Some of the skills taught in my program include the importance of monitoring your tone (your tone will ultimately determine how the conversation will go), practicing repair attempts when conversations derail, monitoring how you feel so you know when you are getting tense and overarouse from the conversation, learning to compromise, and lastly, accepting a lack of skills and imperfections.
If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I provide psychological counselling and psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.
Dealing with Flashbacks of the Affair Contents
There are many ways to manage flashbacks when they come. They, at times, maybe overwhelming and triggering. The flashbacks sometimes bring on uncomfortable feelings, which may take you away from your day. Here are some suggestions that I have for managing with flashbacks of the affair:
- I don’t believe ignoring the flashbacks is the best way to manage them. Part of managing with the flashback may be just allowing the thoughts to be there and redirecting yourself to do what you intended to do in that moment. In other words, take a more mindful approach to what you are doing throughout the day. Ignoring is not the same thing as allowing thoughts to pass and continue. Ignoring and suppressing the thoughts will only bring up the thoughts more. You’ll continue to see the thoughts as a threat if they are ignored or suppressed, and this may increase the intrusiveness of the flashback imagery or thoughts.
- Let some trusted people who know of the affair know that you are having a flashback. Perhaps you can ask your partner or your support network for support during this time. Voicing the flashback may reduce its intensity.
- Consider choosing activities to help minimize the duration and intensity of the flashback. Remember the flashbacks won’t stay forever, eventually you will return to your normal baseline. Until then, we will need activities to help you stay grounded. Finding a good comedy show (perhaps something you have seen before) could be very helpful. Playing video games that require a cognitive element have also been demonstrated to be helpful.
If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I provide counselling and psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.
