How Do I Continue With My Day If I Find Out About the Affair?
- Don’t do anything that will make the situation worse. Focus on setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries need to be set with your partner, the person involved in the affair, and the people who may now know about the affair. Setting healthier boundaries with your partner is essential for recovery. There will be many conversations about the affair, but if they become too heated, it is likely best to step away and let things cool before continuing the discussion. I do want to say that talking about the affair is essential. It’s the only way for your partner to fully understand what happened and how the affair has come about. Many people are afraid to share information because they fear the unknown, how their partner will react, and what difficulties will come in the long run.
- Consider speaking about what happened. This may mean asking how the affair began, how long it lasted, and if it has ended. Some people may need to know information about the affair partner, including how it came to be and how it led to an affair. This could help your partner understand the affair partner’s role in initiating or maintaining the affair.
- Provide insight into how much of a threat this is for your partner. Will their social circle become aware of the affair, and will they lose friendships? Helping them understand how the affair will affect their life outside of the relationship between you two is particularly important.
- Do you need to consider getting tested for an STD?
- Avoid discussing the details that don’t need to be addressed, such as specific sexual acts.
- Do not look for conclusive answers as to why they choose to have the affair. Most people don’t know why they had the affair. Commonly, most people attend counselling attempting to figure it out. Pushing for answers such as this may influence the person to give an incomplete or inaccurate explanation.
- Avoid spending time asking the same question over and over again.
- Try not to make a rash decision about the relationship's current status. It is best to make decisions about divorce and separation when you are in a much better place to do so, and that may come much later on.
- Focus on re-establishing a sense of security in the relationship. Separating may make this more difficult, especially if you have children. However, separating may be a consideration if you are certain of your decision to pursue a divorce when discussions about the affair are becoming toxic and separating for now may be the only option to allow you two to process what has happened and when physical abuse and aggression are involved.
- Consider the possibility of making it work despite what has happened. Discuss what that would look like and how each of you can prepare to commit to working through this. This could include discussions about how to keep the family tasks moving along (i.e., responsibilities and bills) or how we can continue nourishing the relationship as we did before (i.e., continuing small acts of kindness). Separation may erode the foundation of the relationship.
- Continue to be thoughtful and considerate despite what has happened. You will have emotionally charged conversations to balance this out you need to continue to do things that will help create a moment for the two of you that breaks the tension. This could mean going out for ice cream and choosing not to chat about the affair- just be mindful. You can attend a theater event or a sporting event. It may feel awkward but making an effort will certainly make it easier to cope with the trauma.
- Decide on how to handle intimate exchanges, including if small touches or sex are permissible. The best way to understand what your partner wants is to ask.
If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. They must practice psychological counselling or provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.
Reference:
Adapted from the text Getting Past the Affair by Douglas Snyder and Donald Baucom.
Resolution of the Affair
Part of the process of engaging in couples counselling focused on affairs is to manage the emotions of discovering the affair and how it happened. There are intense emotions experienced by both the person who is having the affair and the injured partner. The injured partner may experience shock, rage, and disbelief. The person who had the affair may feel guilt and shame for what they have done. How the person who had the affair reacts is essential for healing. If they are now showing remorse or unable to be empathetic, it will be more difficult to rebuild the foundation of the relationship. An assessment is done to determine if the partner is experiencing difficulties with sexual compulsivity or a personality disorder (Poluso 2007).
If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. They must practice psychological counselling or provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.
Stages of an Affair
Attraction is the first stage of an affair. The attraction may not begin with physical attraction. It could also happen through language, whether that happens via text flirting or in person. The conversation may intrigue the person, but of most importance is the feelings of excitement that come. As texts and conversations continue, it forms the foundation of a relationship. At a later time, they may come to understand their relationship status, but most of the time they continue despite knowing this information (Peluso 2007).
The 'honeymoon' stage is brought on by a 'good' feeling that is often described as intoxicating. There is passion and the couple may have engaged sexually via shared images or through physical contact. Hiding the affair from each other's spouses or partner may increase arousal. Plans are made to continue the affair - via in-person or through chatting(Peluso 2007).
Changes in equilibrium is the stage that follows. This is based on a negotiation of what happens next in the relationship- do they meet in person, continue the relationship, or how far do they go both emotionally and physically? If they haven't met, than a lot is challenged on a cognitive level. Some of these challenges include: should I invest in travelling to metthis person, how will this influence their emotional health, will they meet and will anyone see, and can they even get away (Peluso 2007).
The ending is the last stage - they choose to continue the affair or end it(Pelusos 2007).
Peluso, P. R. (Ed.). (2007). Infidelity: A practitioner’s guide to working with couples in crisis. Routledge.
If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. They must practice psychological counselling or provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.
