Emotions and thoughts both play a big role in relationships, especially when it comes to attachment. Psychologists have identified certain deep-seated beliefs, known as schemas, that shape how people connect with others. One of the most common is the abandonment schema, where a person constantly fears losing those closest to them (Dattillio 2010).
People with this mindset worry that their loved ones will leave—whether through illness, death, or choosing someone else. This fear creates ongoing anxiety and emotional distress, sometimes leading to sadness or depression. If an actual loss occurs, the grief can feel overwhelming and may even turn into anger.
These fears often influence behaviour in relationships. Some individuals become clingy, jealous, or controlling, trying to prevent abandonment. Others take the opposite approach, avoiding close relationships altogether to protect themselves from the pain of potential loss.
When I work with clients who experience difficulties with abandonment, I help them understand that their abandonment fear is actually influenced by a deeper core fear.The deeper core fear may be a belief that they won't be able to manage with the feelings that come with being abandoned such as failure, depression, or being alone (just to name a few).I try tohelp my clients better understand that nothing truly can protect us from situations like this. Life is uncertain, and we have to manage with situations as they come. Most importantly, anything you imagine can happen, and we have to believe in ourselves to figure it out and move on. Much of the counselling work we focus on is trying to better understand how to live with the uncertainty of all that would come if they were to become abandoned. This may include helping them understand that if they are to choose unhealthy coping to manage being abandoned, then the anxiety will remain as it is serving as protection from the unhealthy behaviour. Choosing healthy behaviours to manage is what we strive for.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
