What Keeps Couples Together Through Life's Biggest Challenges

When marriages face serious threats, some couples fall apart while others grow stronger. A recent international study explored what makes the difference by interviewing 180 people in couples who have been married for over 40 years, representing 24 countries. These researchers took a unique approach: instead of studying why marriages fail, they asked thriving couples how they survived life's worst moments.

The Biggest Threats to Marriage

More than two thirds of the couples interviewed disclosed experiencing threats serious enough to potentially end their marriages. The researchers observed something striking during these conversations: as one partner relived painful memories, the other would offer touches, eye contact, and verbal reassurances. This physical comfort demonstrated both the seriousness of what these couples had endured and the value they placed on their relationships.

The most frequently reported threat was the death or severe illness of a child, accounting for over 17% of disclosed threats. This included children who died in accidents, from illness, or who had severe disabilities or mental health conditions. Many couples noted that they personally knew other couples who had divorced after experiencing similar tragedies.

Infidelity emerged as the second most common threat, representing just over 11% of identified dangers. Several couples expressed shame about this but wanted to share their experiences to show that marriages could survive betrayal. Some referred to affairs using softer terms before clarifying what had actually happened.

Chronic mental illness in a spouse also posed a significant threat, with depression being the most prevalent condition. Partners of those experiencing mental illness often faced requests from their suffering spouses to leave them, yet these partners chose to stay.

Other major threats included interference from extended family members, prolonged periods living apart due to work, employment related issues including job changes and joint business ventures, and parenting disagreements about discipline, education, or how to handle a child's mental health crisis.

How Couples Cope Together

When asked what helped them get through these threats, couples primarily described strategies that brought them closer together rather than individual coping methods. In fact, 83% of the coping mechanisms involved leaning on their relationship bond, what attachment theory calls the attachment bond.

The most frequently mentioned coping mechanism was effective communication, encompassing nearly a quarter of all strategies. This wasn't always gentle conversation. Couples "argued it through" or "talked and talked and talked" their way through problems. Some arguments went late into the night at high volume. Knowing when to talk became crucial, particularly for couples grieving a child.

Drawing closer as a couple was another major strategy. Couples often added that the adverse event actually strengthened their relationship. Disabled children brought couples closer together. Infidelity made them appreciate what they could have lost. Deaths made them stronger together. Some couples needed time to grieve separately before turning to each other.

Persevering together meant "sticking through it" with determination and stubbornness. Many couples used combat language: battling through, fighting for their marriage, soldiering on. They acknowledged it was hard work but described putting one foot in front of the other.

Prioritizing the relationship above all else emerged as a conscious choice for many couples. Some reached a point where they had to put their marriage first, even above their children's needs, trusting that their children would find their own way. Others realized that external circumstances were threatening the marriage and made deliberate decisions to protect the relationship.

Sacrificing individual wants rounded out the top five coping mechanisms. When infidelity occurred, one spouse had to give up the affair while the other had to let go of bitterness and resentment. In other situations, one partner consciously sacrificed career ambitions, comfort, or quality of life for the sake of the marriage. Some gave up seeing family members to preserve their partnership.

The Role of Attachment

The research highlighted the central role of attachment bonds in long term relationships. Just as infants rely on caregivers for safety and security, adults in committed relationships look to their partners as a safe haven during times of illness, danger, or threat. This attachment serves biological functions, including regulating stress hormones, reducing inflammation, and strengthening the immune system.

The couples in this study demonstrated secure attachment by turning toward each other during crises. They trusted that despite hardships, personal failings, and threats, their relationship would continue. This confidence allowed them to lean on each other rather than pulling apart when faced with adversity.

The biological mechanisms of attachment help explain why these couples could overcome such severe threats. Warm interactions with an attachment figure increase oxytocin levels, which regulate stress responses and promote physical and mental health. The attachment also affects brain function in ways that build resilience and help people withstand stress.

A Different Approach to Understanding Marriage

This study took what researchers call a salutogenic approach, focusing on what went right rather than what went wrong. While other research correctly identifies infidelity as a primary reason for divorce, this study illuminated how some couples overcame infidelity by strengthening their attachment bond. Similarly, while research shows that losing a child devastates relationships and increases divorce risk eightfold, these couples survived and even grew stronger.

The qualitative nature of the research provided rich insights that numbers alone couldn't capture. By leaving questions open ended, couples revealed not just what they did but how they felt about it. Their words shed light on the strength of their relationships and their ability to lean on each other.

What Sets These Couples Apart

The preponderance of together coping mechanisms over individual strategies underscores something fundamental: these couples viewed challenges as threats to "us" rather than problems for "me" to handle alone. This collective approach created a positive feedback loop where leaning on the attachment bond strengthened that bond, making it easier to continue leaning on it.

The concept of sacrifice may seem outdated in contemporary society with its emphasis on individual fulfillment. Yet for these thriving couples, sacrifice was a major coping mechanism underlying all relationship focused strategies. The willingness to fulfill a spouse's needs, protect them, and foster their growth strengthened their attachment bonds over time.

Time spent together also emerged as important. Most interviewed couples avoided being apart even for weekends, viewing such togetherness not as obligation but as preference. This proximity naturally strengthened their attachment bonds through shared daily experiences and emotional closeness.

Practical Applications

These findings offer valuable insights for couples and therapists. Understanding the major stressors that threaten relationships and the coping mechanisms that work can help couples facing similar challenges. The research demonstrates that relationship resilience and attachment can actually strengthen through adversity rather than being defeated by it.

The biological processes through which relationship attachment leads to individual resilience provide a scientific foundation for encouraging couples to embrace together coping mechanisms. By working together rather than apart, couples activate protective biological processes that benefit both partners and the relationship.

While this study provides rich insights, it has limitations. The evidence comes from couples' own descriptions of their coping mechanisms, and they may have overlooked individual, financial, or societal factors that contributed to their success. Because couples were interviewed together, they may have unconsciously presented a consensus view rather than individual perspectives.

The diversity of 24 countries is substantial but still limits generalizability. Much work remains to include more diverse groups across social class, income, and education levels. Future research could explore additional factors that contribute to couple resilience.

What emerges clearly from this research is that long term couples who thrive do so by turning toward each other during life's most difficult moments. They communicate, draw closer, persevere together, prioritize their relationship, and make sacrifices. These strategies both rely on and strengthen the attachment bond that makes their partnership a safe haven in times of trouble. The result is not just relationship survival but relationship growth through adversity.