Inside the Therapist's Mind: Working With Couples Through Infidelity

When infidelity enters the therapy room, it brings intense emotions, shattered trust, and profound uncertainty. While much research focuses on helping couples heal, far less attention has been paid to what therapists themselves experience as they guide partners through one of the most challenging situations a relationship can face.

A recent study explored this overlooked perspective by interviewing eight experienced therapists who work with couples dealing with infidelity. What emerged was a revealing picture of the complex emotional terrain therapists navigate as they help couples work through betrayal.

The Core Experience: Grappling With Ambivalence

The researchers found that therapists' experiences can best be understood through the lens of ambivalence, the simultaneous experience of conflicting thoughts and feelings. This ambivalence manifests in three sequential stages: embracing it, tuning into it, and assimilating it.

From the moment a couple enters therapy to discuss infidelity, therapists find themselves holding contradictory experiences. They feel excited yet repelled, overwhelmed yet riveted, frustrated yet energized. One therapist described the work as "exhilarating and fascinating and frustrating and deskilling" all at once.

Embracing Ambivalence

In the initial phase, therapists must sit with completely contradictory views of reality. One partner may be furious while the other feels shame and regret. The therapist absorbs these opposing emotions while trying to remain present to both people.

Several therapists described feeling "split" or "pulled apart" as they worked to maintain neutrality. Part of them might want to condemn the unfaithful partner, while another part recognizes the complexity of the situation. They allow themselves to get drawn into these feelings to some degree, recognizing it as part of building the therapeutic relationship.

This phase is marked by uncertainty and vulnerability for the therapist. They question whether they're asking the right questions or making things worse. Yet this same uncertainty can energize them, transforming "I don't think I can do this" into "I've got to make an effort."

Tuning Into Ambivalence

As therapy progresses, therapists become increasingly aware of their own biases and how these might influence their work. They recognize personal prejudices about infidelity and work actively to manage them in the therapeutic environment.

Gender emerged as a significant factor. Female therapists noticed that female clients sometimes expected them to be more sympathetic based on shared gender. Male therapists acknowledged their own gender biases, such as feeling less compassion when men were the injured party. Some male clients perceived female therapists as viewing them more harshly.

Therapists also described tuning into subtle signals that something wasn't being disclosed. Body language, inconsistencies, and gut feelings would alert them to hidden truths. They learned to trust these instincts and use them to guide interventions, even when it meant asking uncomfortable questions.

Assimilating Ambivalence

The final phase involves therapists using their emotional experiences as fuel for the therapeutic work. They juggle intense emotional discharge from clients while managing their own reactions, often experiencing physical sensations like heart pounding, stomach clenching, or a feeling of heaviness.

Therapists described getting swept up in the couple's dynamics, swinging between their competing positions. They worked to extract themselves and realign, recognizing when they were being pulled to take sides. Rather than viewing this as a failure, experienced therapists learned to see it as information about what was happening in the relationship.

The work carries an emotional residue that extends beyond the therapy room. Therapists talked about going home with their heads full, unable to make room for anything else. They found themselves questioning their own relationships after hearing so many stories of betrayal.

Yet when breakthroughs occurred, when couples moved from entrenched positions to openness and possibility, therapists described profound relief. One spoke of it feeling like "the sun coming out" after a heavy slog through difficult terrain.

The Personal Toll and Professional Growth

Working with infidelity impacts therapists both professionally and personally. They reflect on the vulnerability of their own intimate relationships. Content from sessions can trigger memories and emotions from their own lives. When therapists tune into these resonances, they can connect with clients at a deeper empathic level.

The research revealed that therapists use these personal reactions as resources rather than obstacles. By reflecting on their own experiences of ambivalence, prejudice, and emotional arousal, they gain insight into what couples are experiencing. This mirroring of the couple's distress actually helps therapists manage the challenging work more effectively.

Using the Self in Therapy

The study builds on therapeutic models that emphasize the importance of the therapist's own self in the healing process. Rather than striving for complete neutrality, therapists who embrace their reactions, examine them, and use them consciously may be better equipped to help couples navigate infidelity.

This doesn't mean therapists act on every feeling or share every thought. Instead, they develop sophisticated self awareness. They learn to distinguish when their reactions stem from their own personal stories versus when they're picking up on dynamics in the room. They practice connecting with clients' experiences while maintaining enough detachment to support therapeutic goals.

Implications for Practice

These findings offer reassurance to therapists who struggle with feeling inadequate when working with infidelity. The experience of ambivalence is not a sign of incompetence but rather an inherent part of this work. Understanding the trajectory of these experiences can help therapists anticipate what they'll encounter and feel more prepared.

The research suggests that rather than avoiding or fearing ambivalent responses, therapists should embrace them as sources of information and energy. By paying attention to their prejudices, gender assumptions, and visceral reactions, therapists can use their own experiences to better understand and help their clients.

This study represents a step toward understanding what happens for therapists in the therapy room when infidelity is the presenting issue. While based on a small sample of therapists working in Ireland, it provides empirical support for clinical wisdom that has long emphasized the importance of the therapist's use of self.

The portrait that emerges is of therapists as active participants who co create the therapeutic dynamic rather than neutral observers. They experience the roller coaster of emotions alongside their clients, and by embracing rather than resisting this experience, they position themselves to guide couples toward healing and reconciliation.