When we encounter a stimulus, like the sudden sight of a barking dog, the amygdala quickly springs into action, signalling the brain to process the potential threat. This happens almost instantly, without any conscious thought. The brain, in turn, can bias our perceptions, causing us to quickly interpret something as dangerous, even if it’s not (Dattillio 2010). This rapid, automatic response happens without us being aware of it, and it can deeply influence how we react in emotional situations. For example, someone who grew up in an abusive household may have a heightened amygdala response in moments of conflict(Dattillio 2010). If that person experiences arguments or tension in their current relationship that remind them of past abuse, their brain may instantly interpret the situation as dangerous. This can trigger intense emotional and physiological reactions, regardless of any cognitive understanding or behavioural efforts to manage the situation. Over time, if the person experiences prolonged abuse, the amygdala can become sensitized to conflict, responding in a hyper-alert or "knee-jerk" manner due to past emotional conditioning (Dattillio 2010).
I often see this in my psychologist's practice when working with highly dysregulated couples. This is why it's so important to complete an assessment at the beginning of our work. Discussing the trauma that someone may have experienced could help shed light on how they are reacting when confronted with conflict. Understanding the biophysiological responses of our loved ones, especially how our brains react to certain emotional triggers, is essential for improving relationships. For instance, much of the communication we have with family members or partners is nonverbal. Subtle cues like eye contact, tone of voice, and facial expressions are processed by the brain’s right hemisphere, which handles emotion and implicit understanding. A spouse might cross their arms, shift their posture, or make facial expressions while processing what the other person is saying, but these gestures can sometimes be mistakenly interpreted as signs of annoyance or anger when they’re actually simply part of the emotional processing happening in the brain (Dattillio 2010).
Educating partners and family members about how the brain works, especially how emotions and behaviors are processed—can help foster better understanding and communication. For example, if one partner’s tone of voice doesn’t seem to match their facial expression, it could indicate that they are struggling to connect with their emotions, perhaps due to a neurological issue or simply being out of touch with their feelings. Recognizing these patterns can help reduce misunderstandings and support healthier, more compassionate relationships. Part of the work we also do is better understand how the person can regulate so they can work on their engagement with their partner. Great work can happen when reflection is used and cognitive skills are taught to create awareness.
Dattilio, F. M. (2010).Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians.The Guilford Press.
