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I write this article to provide insight into how to manage the obsessiveness that comes with finding out your partner has had an affair. Part of the process of finding out about an affair is understanding how it may have come about. This discovery process can take months and can occupy much of your mind. Many people describe the thoughts and images that come about from the discovery as intrusive. Some of the thoughts and questions you may have about the affair may also feel intrusive and overwhelming. There are a few ways to manage with the intrusiveness:

1. One reason why the thoughts are intrusive is because the content of the thoughts are threatening. Once you are able to come to terms with the content of the thoughts, they become less intrusive. For instance, the thoughts may be intrusive because you believe that your partner is still not telling the whole truth and can’t be trusted. Therefore, part of the process of recovery is to accept the thoughts and to continue to build trust despite the intrusive nature of the thoughts. As you build trust in the relationship the thoughts will become less intrusive (whether you stay or go).

2. Ruminating may not completely help. If you choose to ruminate about the affair and try to answer some of these questions that have been already answered or you have no answer to, it may further contribute to the intrusiveness. You may have to separate yourself from engaging with the intrusive thought unless you believe it can be solved or figured out through thinking about it. You may have to consider that you may not ever get the answers you are looking for, but you can cope with whatever does come your way (i.e. if they cheat again, if you separate, if your partner wants to leave you for them). Part of learning to live with uncertainty is coming to understand that you can cope with anything that happens. Sometimes, talking to a friend you trust (who won’t tell anyone about the affair) can help you think through some of the questions and allow you to feel like you are not alone. They may also provide perspective on some of the questions you have that you think you can answer, but in reality, there is no answer to (i.e., will they cheat again?).

3. Part of the process of managing with the obsessiveness is to not engage in activities that will further perpetuate the intrusiveness. This means that you don’t do things that you believe are unhealthy for you to do (i.e., look up the person on the internet, ask about sexual acts and positions). Find healthier activities to engage in, like watching comedies or speaking to a friend. The thoughts WILL be there; you just have to continue on until you are completely able to either rebuild or make a decision on what you would like to do next.

4. You may have to take on an acceptance stance and learn to let some of the thoughts and images be there and continue on with your day. You can also focus on continuing to live a life based on the values that you believe in.

Robert Roopa

If you need support, please feel free to contact me. I support connection with any Clinical Psychologist. I practice psychological counselling and provide psychotherapy services. My office is located in Vaughan, Ontario.