It's normal for many of us who are coming out of a breakup or divorce to feel apprehensive about beginning a new romantic relationship. I have worked with many couples who describe feeling anxious, worried, insecure, and unwanted.
Part of the work we do in counselling is helping you understand that feeling anxious is normal when you begin to date again. However, part of the problem is challenging some of the negative thoughts you may have about yourself and the dating world that may interfere with your desire to date again. Sometimes, this requires you to challenge the way you think about yourself and dating after a marriage or breakup.
Here are examples of common cognitive distortions for those who struggle with dating again:
All-or-Nothing Thinking
- Example: "If my first relationship failed, then every future relationship will fail too."
- Explanation: This type of thinking sees things in black and white, with no room for middle ground or exceptions. The person might feel that one past experience defines all future outcomes.
Many people struggle with All-or-Nothing Thinking. Especially when dating again. Part of the process is recognizing that a lot can happen, but you have the resources to deal with whatever comes (rejection or breakup). Not everything needs to be a budding romance- you may have to date a few bad apples before you find the right one.
Catastrophizing
- Example: "If I go on a date and it doesn’t work out, I’ll be alone. forever.
- Explanation: This involves expecting the worst possible outcome and imagining it will be unbearable. It blows the potential challenges of dating out of proportion.
Thinking about the worst-case scenario never helps. Your mind will always go to the worst-case scenario. Reminding yourself that your mind is going to this place and that you will go to this place is important. You can challenge your thinking or just let the thought be and be purposeful with carrying on with your day.
Overgeneralization
- Example: "I’ve been hurt in the past, so I'm always going to be hurt in the future."
- Explanation: Drawing broad, sweeping to conclusions based on a single event. One past failure might lead someone to believe that future experiences will always follow the same pattern.
Yes, you have been hurt, but it's time to move past that. You may get hurt, but guess what - you can deal with it.
Mind Reading
- Example: "I’m sure they’ll think I’m boring
- Explanation -Believing you know what others are thinking without any real evidence. This thought might stop someone from dating because they imagine that others will judge them negatively.
You need to stop mind reading. You do not have this power. I have worked with many people as a psychologist and I have yet to meet anyone that can read minds. It's time to take control of your life again and begin your dating journey again!
