Failure is a part of life, and we need to embrace it. We often struggle with failure because we often have certain thoughts and feelings about failure that are uncomfortable and unwanted. The goal for counselling is to really figure out what those thoughts are and to analyze them. At times, those thoughts are influenced by cognitive distortions. These distortions impact the way we see our world, and it can make our engagements with certain activities more anxiety-provoking because we aren't truly seeing it clearly.
Some common cognitive distortions include:
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing situations in extremes, such as seeing yourself as a complete failure because of one mistake or setback. There is no middle ground—either you're perfect or you're a total failure.
Overgeneralization: Making broad, sweeping conclusions based on a single event. For example, "I failed this test, so I'll never succeed at anything."
Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst-case scenario and blowing things out of proportion. For example, thinking, "If I fail this, my entire life will be ruined."
Personalization: Blaming yourself for events outside of your control. For instance, thinking, "My team didn't succeed because I didn't do enough."
Mental Filtering: Focusing only on the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive. For example, "I made some progress, but I still failed, so none of it matters."
Discounting the Positive: Dismissing or minimizing any achievements or successes. For example, "That compliment doesn't mean anything; they're just being nice."
Labeling: Assigning a negative label to yourself based on a failure. For instance, thinking, "I failed, so I'm a complete loser."
Mind Reading: Believing you know what others are thinking, often assuming they think negatively of you due to your failures. For example, "Everyone must think I'm incompetent because I didn't succeed."
Should Statements: Setting unrealistic or rigid standards for yourself, and feeling like a failure when you don't meet them. For example, "I should never make mistakes," or "I should always succeed."
Emotional Reasoning: Believing that because you feel a certain way (e.g., inadequate or incompetent), it must be true. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be one."
Part of this process is to also understand how our behaviour may be influencing our feelings. This means that if we continue to avoid certain situations that could lead to failure we are more likely to feel more anxious about similar situations in the future. Part of the counselling experience with myself (a psychologist) is to embrace and expect failure, which means that we have to practice failing. This may seem overwhelming, but we never do anything that you are uncomfortable with. The goal is to slowly help you and move you through it so you can practice failing and come to the realization that you CAN handle it.
